2005-09-24

Going Downhill

Yesterday morning I had to go to our local Wal-Mart to pick up a punch bowl for a work "babyshower". Well I couldn't get the self-checkout to work (as per usual at Wal-Mart, any other self checkout I never have to have any help, but this at Wal-Mart, always). So I got frustrated and stormed out the store and broke down crying in my car. All over a 2.83 punch bowl. I then got to work and cursed out everything and everyone. It has finally dawned on me I might be just a bit depressed and stressed out. Mostly about my job, I try to avoid talking about my job so I don't get dooced, but for the past year it has been a big source of my problems, so I am going to talk about it in this blog, at this point I don't care as I am actively seeking a new job, and since everyone at work knows (due to having a manger who is a gossip hound with no thought or care to ethics), at this point it really doesn't matter what I talk about here, and I pray to God they all read it.

In 2004, around May I went to the doctor after I was having a rapid heart beat and chest pain just sitting around doing nothing. They ran tests, blood pressure, cholesterol, and everything else looked fine, I dismissed it, and went on with life. The heart thing kept happening, but since I had went to the doctor and been tested I blew it off, until it kept happening more and more. I went to a cardiologist back in August of this year, I was wearing a heart monitor, taking stress tests out the wazoo, and having echocardiograms. It sounds like an exciting party doesn't it? Well the results came in nothing is wrong with me, everything is great, per the doctor I am stressed out and suffer from panic attacks.

It is kinda weird, I work at an insurance company handling disability claims, and I see people who claim they can't work due to panic and anxiety, I have managed to work at least a year with it and not even know I have it until now. Maybe I should see how the other half lives, or maybe I should go ahead and find another job. I have been looking selectively for the past few months, but know I am looking as if my last check was six months ago, so I can get away.

I don't like breaking down and crying for no reason, or having panic attacks, or yelling at people in random. Work is starting to affect me in ways I never thought a job could, but it has. When I first started I was happy, content, and able to do my job, have fun at it and go home with a smile on my face. Now I come to work in tears, I dread Sundays because they lead to Mondays, and being a work is worse than being in hell.

The worst part of all is I like the job ok; it is the people; from the bottom to the top I can't stand. Shady business practices from management (ERISA law is for suckers, legally binding policies don't count in some instances), backstabbing from co-workers. It is crazy, this is the only place I have ever worked in which suicide attempts in conference rooms occur, and nothing is done to prevent it from happening again. It is time to go and dammit I am trying to get out of here with a vengeance.