2005-09-24

Going Downhill

Yesterday morning I had to go to our local Wal-Mart to pick up a punch bowl for a work "babyshower". Well I couldn't get the self-checkout to work (as per usual at Wal-Mart, any other self checkout I never have to have any help, but this at Wal-Mart, always). So I got frustrated and stormed out the store and broke down crying in my car. All over a 2.83 punch bowl. I then got to work and cursed out everything and everyone. It has finally dawned on me I might be just a bit depressed and stressed out. Mostly about my job, I try to avoid talking about my job so I don't get dooced, but for the past year it has been a big source of my problems, so I am going to talk about it in this blog, at this point I don't care as I am actively seeking a new job, and since everyone at work knows (due to having a manger who is a gossip hound with no thought or care to ethics), at this point it really doesn't matter what I talk about here, and I pray to God they all read it.

In 2004, around May I went to the doctor after I was having a rapid heart beat and chest pain just sitting around doing nothing. They ran tests, blood pressure, cholesterol, and everything else looked fine, I dismissed it, and went on with life. The heart thing kept happening, but since I had went to the doctor and been tested I blew it off, until it kept happening more and more. I went to a cardiologist back in August of this year, I was wearing a heart monitor, taking stress tests out the wazoo, and having echocardiograms. It sounds like an exciting party doesn't it? Well the results came in nothing is wrong with me, everything is great, per the doctor I am stressed out and suffer from panic attacks.

It is kinda weird, I work at an insurance company handling disability claims, and I see people who claim they can't work due to panic and anxiety, I have managed to work at least a year with it and not even know I have it until now. Maybe I should see how the other half lives, or maybe I should go ahead and find another job. I have been looking selectively for the past few months, but know I am looking as if my last check was six months ago, so I can get away.

I don't like breaking down and crying for no reason, or having panic attacks, or yelling at people in random. Work is starting to affect me in ways I never thought a job could, but it has. When I first started I was happy, content, and able to do my job, have fun at it and go home with a smile on my face. Now I come to work in tears, I dread Sundays because they lead to Mondays, and being a work is worse than being in hell.

The worst part of all is I like the job ok; it is the people; from the bottom to the top I can't stand. Shady business practices from management (ERISA law is for suckers, legally binding policies don't count in some instances), backstabbing from co-workers. It is crazy, this is the only place I have ever worked in which suicide attempts in conference rooms occur, and nothing is done to prevent it from happening again. It is time to go and dammit I am trying to get out of here with a vengeance.

2005-09-21

I found a new blog and it was life altering

I just finished reading a blog from start to finish and acting like a damn crack fiend. This blog was so honest and the guy is a really good story teller. It is very High Fidelity. It had inspired me not to ramble on actually think about what I write.

Go here, get mad at him, his ex girlfriends, just reminisce and pretend you were into Danzig back in the 90s.

2005-09-20

I want him, I want to kill him

This weekend my wonderful husband bought me a ring on an impulse buy for no apparent reason. I was so excited I got it sized and picked it up today and I have been wearing it nonstop. I love it so much. When he does stuff like that I love him to death, but just a few minutes ago, I decided I wanted to kill him.

::reenactment::

I go into his office to see him, since he is shut off from the world there and see what he is doing, which per usual is programming. I say "hello!!", start conversation, he is non responsive. I ask what is wrong. He responds "nothing". Then I ask him to smile, he feigns a half ass politician smile, I again ask what's wrong, he then sighs and says "nothing, I hate when you do that!!!" I then ask again what the hell is wrong with him, he replies "uugggghh nothing is fucking wrong!!!"

::end reenactment::

I leave and bite my tongue and will continue silent treatment for the rest of the night. He will pretend nothing happened and pretend I am irrational for not speaking to him. I will stay silent and think of ways to beat him upside his head.

2005-09-18

More gay topics

I have a friend that I sometimes get an email from who I once dated. He is a really good guy, he was a cutie (at least the last time I saw him, which was before I even met my husband), and we had a lot of things in common (books, music, being nerds), but we didn't work out because I discovered he liked guys (yeah I googled him and found a personal ad about being bi curious), and I am all about having things in common, but I didn't want to share my interest in boys with boys I dated. Needless to say the dating relationship ended and we became friends. We send an occasional email, usually about music, and how suburban our lives have become.

One early morning like this one, I googled him. I do random googling of people quite often. I googled his real name and his screenname (the one I know about anyway), and again he shows up on some gay website being curious and looking. I once asked him about it right when I cut things off (personal ads while dating someone is just a turn off, gay or straight, just FYI), and he told me he was doing an experiment. I just thought he was bi or curious, either or, I need a man, and I have one that isn't even the slight bit curious about gay people. Girls don't want boys who experiment. It is just safer that way.

I don't want to be on Oprah talking about Down Low Brothers in two years and sobbing uncontrollably about me not knowing he was gay, especially if they signs point that way. Anyway , the good thing is I met my husband shortly after and I don't have to worry about that kind of thing. We don't have a lot in common, but dammit that might be a good thing.

I still like him as a person, I just wish he was more forthright with his gayness, things would be easier for him, if he just came out of the closet.

2005-09-16

Almost getting "got"

First let me just say I love the lesbians, the gays, and anything else in which I can put the word "the" in front of to discuss whole groups of people. Friday night I went to Oak Lawn, a famaously gay area of Dallas with some co-workers and we did cruisin' the crossroads, in we got into clubs with no cover and drink specials. Perfect right? We first went to JRs. I was there absorbing the gay atmosphere and taking a blueberry jello shot from a syringe that came from god knows where, all was calm and peaceful. We then head over to Sue Ellen's in which me and the other straight girls from work formed a "straight girl dancing corner" to dance to "Brass Monkey" as freely as we wanted to. Our gay guide decided to stay at the bar and drink, which was a really bad thing now looking back, and as we all know hindsight is 20/20.

Things become scary as we head over to Station 4 aka S4. S4 being predominantly male and gay, I really didn't think there was a need for a straight girl corner, I mean we could have danced to the techno all night and watched men in bicycle short voguing all night long. It was a great place for people watching. I personally was fixated on the short young Asian man dancing shirtless with the tall old balding white man with a pot belly. Especially when they were kissing and the geriatric white man was dangling his little gay Asian from the floor. Well I digress. As we decide to dance the best way us girls know how, our drunk gay guide approaches and comes from behind me grabs my face and to tries to kiss me. I like a punk sissy scream and run, she then follows me to the bar and in drunk talk explains she is going to kiss me, I again scream. At this point I am sober, and even if I was drunk, would I want to be kissing 40 year old co-workers who are girls? Let me answer that for you: No, hell no. She then says I am joking to eradicate all level of discomfort.

We finally head over to Throckmorton Mining Company and decide at this point the night is over, the music has gotten annoying and that those sweaty topless men dancing aren't so cute anymore. We decide to call it a night, our gay guide had the infinite wisdom to come sans car, so that her significant other could pick her up. We ask her to call her woman so we can go ahead and head out once her girl arrives to pick her up. She decides she wants to dance some more, and doesn't need to go home and we should leave without her. Nothing says safe like drunk woman at 12:30 sitting on the curb, dancing all by herself. We then steal her phone and call her woman for her. She then becomes upset and tells me I didn't talk to her woman, I just got the message machine and she isn't coming. I inform her, I did indeed speak to her woman and tell her she is on her way. Of course her woman comes about 20 minutes later and we pour the lesbian drunk into the passenger side and then we all head home. Before we leave our drunk gay guide decides to give everyone a hug and a kiss on the cheek except me since I don't like it. May I note here I don't mind a peck on the cheek, I do mind people trying to smooch me on the lips and utilizing drunk tongue, if she tried to kiss me on the cheek, it would be one thing, but to come at me from behind and I am off guard, not so cool.

On Saturday I decide my 29 year old ass is way too old to go clubbing, and I wake up with a headache and tired as hell.

On Monday our gay guide decides she remembers nothing of Friday night. Not one thing.

On Tuesday, she remembers trying to kiss me, but she was just joking, there was a smile on her face after all.

Thursday she becomes angry white woman trying to understand why blacks don't just get over slavery.

2005-09-15

Getting Over Slavery?

Today at work, a co-worker was telling me that she doesn't understand why black people don't get over slavery. I was wondering what the hell she meant by that. She wanted me to be aware that slavery occured in Africa by Africans. As if I didn't learn about slavery at all. I asked her did that make slavery right here? Did that erradicate all wrongdoing in America because other black people did it? We could use that rationale with child prostitution in Asia, just because it is overlooked there, doesn't mean it is ok to do in America!!!!

I then asked her if she thinks that is what black people are truly mad about? She thought it was. I had to explain to my white co-worker that slavery didn't end racism, and legalized racism didn't end until the 1960s (segregation, Jim Crow). I did this by explaining when my father went to college he couldn't go to Texas A&M because they didn't allow colored folk, instead he went to Prairie View A&M. I asked her was segregation and Jim Crow Laws ok? She said no. She did feel that she shouldn't be persecuted because she wasn't born in that time. I insisted I shouldn't be persecuted either, it shouldn't be assumed I am poor, uneducated, or treated differently because of perceptions white people have about blacks. Because many whites have these perceptions, they treat me differently, even though they might not outwardly hate blacks they perceive me as a "lesser person". Case and point I had a woman with a degree in PE (
kinsology) inform me of how the government works and how the states and federal government work together. I had to inform her I was probably well more aware of this than she was, my degree is in Public Administration. Nothing but government, stats, and accounting. Trust me I know how to budget a city, a state, and a federal agency. I didn't need her help on the procedures of state and federal government. But obvoiusly being black, I wouldn't understand such complex things, like state rights. I need the PE girl to explain it to me.

I wonder if white people honestly think racism died because slavery and Jim Crow did. I asked my white reference, my husband, and he said no, but since it is obvious, a lot of white people think black people read too much into stuff. I personally think it has to do with the fact that black people always have to second guess actions by whites. Since it isn't acceptable to be outwardly racist anymore, even though the feelings are there consciencely or sub-consciencely, it doesn't mean they don't exist and don't manifest themselves in different ways. Instead of lynching people, you don't promote qualified blacks into better paying jobs, instead you choose your white buddy, who might not have the experience, but looks like you. You justify anger towards blacks by saying we get jobs "handed to us" due to affirmative action, even though the biggest minority that "benefits" is white women (yes women, white, black, brown yellow, are minorities per the EEOC).

Then she had the audacity to compare her not being able to get married to her partner to being black in america. Again I had to remind her of one thing. My color can't be hidden, and not that she should hide her sexual orientation, but she has a choice to let people know or not. I asked her when was the last time an apartment or home she was looking at became unavailable when the person renting or selling saw her in person, but on the phone a few hours before it was available. Or how security will follow me around in a store I supposedly don't belong in. Or how whenever I get a traffic ticket, it takes three police cars to issue it, and it takes then ten minutes to run warrants based upon my driver's license and vehicle, and since that isn't good enough I need to give them a detailed history of the vehicle, such as where it is bought and how much I paid for it. Mind you I have never been to jail, nor do I have a criminal record, but I am treated like a criminal all the time, be it by polcie, a store salesperson, or just an old lady walking in the mall clutching her purse.

I think most people white, black, brown, yellow, are racist, but it doesn't make it right, I just wish people would acknowledge their feelings so I know whether to avoid you like the plague, because I am honestly tired defending someone's right to be pissed off, again be pissed off, not use color or lack there of as an excuse for their shortcomings.