2006-08-22

The past three days

Sunday I posted that I was miscarrying. I did. The past three days have been pure hell, confusion, and sadness. Sunday after lunch, my cervix was completely dilated and I was hemorrhaging non stop. I went ahead and went and for 6 hours there I sat on a ER table and did the same thing until I passed what was my baby. They made me so angry, they took my baby from all the blood and blood clots and just put my baby in a jar to take to a damn lab. Like it was just some kind of tissue sample. I am still not taking that well at all. They let me out of ER 8 hours later, and on Monday I went to the OBGYN, where obviously all the waiting room was pregnant or had a healthy baby. That made me angry. Apparently she found I was still dilated and ordered a D&C. So at 9:00 Monday night I had "day surgery" I left the hospital at 12 and took the day off from work today since I am suppossed to be on bedrest. I talked to my manager who was really nice and told me to take my time. Needless to say I am numb, I feel empty, and I want to stop hurting physically and emotionally. It hurts so bad to know I don't have my baby anymore.

2006-08-20

Miscarriage

I think I am having a miscarriage. I was spotting really light all last week and last night I had bright red blood when I went to the bathroom (I know this is graphic, but there is no delicate way to say that). It didn't fill up a pad, but it might as well have. I was so upset I cried pretty much all night last night. I haven't slept well, but the bleeding has stopped. I was suppossed to have my 8 week sonogram to hear the heartbeat and actually see the baby tomorrow, but I don't think that will happen. Instead I will call ahead and see if they want me to come in or just let the baby spontaneously abort naturally . I don't want to see an empty sac tomorrow, that will literally kill me. The worst part is I still have the symptoms of pregnancy: Nauesea, headaches, sore, swollen breasts. I hate it, I hate that I am disappointing my husband, my family, and friends. My husband was so happy when we found out. I have been so happy these past month or so and now it is being taken away, and now I just feel empty. I will hold just a glimmer of hope because I quit spotting that there is still a chance the baby is ok, but damn it hurts so much because I wanted this baby so bad.

2006-08-13

Good News, Bad News

It seems everytime I get good news (I am pregnant), I end up getting bad news. Earlier this week on Tuesday, after coming back from a long weekend, I was informed my employer is closing down our office in March 2007. That means within the next eight months I will lose my job. I carry the benefits out of the two of us since I work for insurance companies. Needless to say this sucks pregnant and looking for a job....who will hire me. Since I am only six weeks I can hide it pretty well for at least another couple of months, so I am looking for a job now. I had an interview on Friday that went pretty well, and have a 2nd interview next week for the same job. I also have a recruiter contacting me, so hopefully I will be able to find something quickly and hopefully that employer won't fire me because I am knocked up (or fire me for some thinly veiled reason that is really related to pregnancy).

At least the President of my husband's company is trying to get us coverage so that everyone in the company has insurance benefits. Hopefully this will work out and one concern will be knocked out of the water. Now a cash flow to pay for this kid and nursery and pay off all debt before the kid gets here is the next concern.

2006-08-07

The 1st sonogram

I had my first sonogram today, and it was kind of sad. I am only six weeks pregnant. I thought I was 8 weeks, starting 9 weeks. I found out really early I was pregnant. That means as soon as my husband rolled off of me in bed, I figured out I was pregnant. I found out on 07/08 I was knocked up. That means I was only two weeks at the time, damn the new pregnancy tests work really well. I am so nervous and emotional, and I am kind of depressed, because I thought I managed to avoid morning sickness during the pregnancy!!!!! Well on 04/02/2007 (or around about that time) a mini siditty will be born. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!