Mixed Crowd or Black Crowd.

This has happened to me in the past. You meet a guy, he happens to be white. He is nice, sweet, awesome, cute, and everything else under the sun. He calls you asks if you want to go out, you tell him you have other plans, but to come meet up with your friends. He then asks the question, are you going to be at an all black place or more mixed place? You wonder why it matters. He tells you because he doesn't want to be the only white person with all eyes on him. He doesn't want to be a target. As if he will be automatically lynched, as if he expects you to hang out in the hood with Ray Ray and Nook Nook gang banging at the most ghetto club around.

Not cool. When I heard this response years ago, all likes went out the window. I grew up being the only black or one of few blacks the majority of my life. He didn't appear to mind when I was the only black at a place when we went on a date. The majority of places we went, I was one of a few black people. Why was he not concerned then?

I guess my concern is this: Fast forward on down the road, and you decide you are OK with him being "out of place" with black people. Can you go to a family reunion? Meet up with friends for a barbecue? Is that ok?

A question for the guys who date IR? Is this ever a concern for you? Being around majority black people on occasion?


Anger and Frustration

As I have written before, I am about to be a big sister to two kids. My cousins, whose mother is unable to care for them anymore due to a drug problem. My parents have been trying for the past five or six months to adopt these kids. My parents with a 31 and 24 year old, who are for the most part done taking care of kids, and waiting on grandkids (sorry mom), are going to be parents again. My frustration does not lie in the fact that my father will not buy me everything I want anymore because he will be broke for caring for these two kids. But the fact that these two kids have suffered relentlessly for the past two years while in foster care due to red tape, and plain old stupidity.

Obviously I blame their mother, but I show pity to her, because I know her home life wasn't the best. Their mother hurt me a long time ago, and I learned to let that go, because her life was miserable from the time she was born, and what happened to me is an insignificant portion of my life, and that misery she inflicted on me, was inflicted on her.

I also blame the current state of the foster care system. These two kids in a span of two years have been in approximately 23 foster homes. Almost once a month, they are moved and placed into another environment. These children have no concept of stability. One of these children will be able to come live with my parents in the next few weeks. Her current foster mother, due to circumstances beyond her control (financial issues) had to give up my cousin. The state knows my parents are trying to adopt her. They will not let her come to live with them just yet. Is it because of a background check? No. Home study and evaluations? No. Because the man who needs to approve their home studies and background checks, and sign for them to be approved is on damn vacation, which means my cousin/little sister is now in her 24th foster home in a span of 24 damn months. Don't let the child come to a home in which you are approving, in which people have jumped through hoops to get these kids. Let's face it, my parents are really sticking their neck out. They are facing retirement at this point, and they are willing to care for kids, not because they have to, but because they are family, and they want our family to stay together come hell or high water My parents, my brother, me and my husband have ALL gone through background checks to allow these children to come live with my parents. My mother and father are both educated, gainfully employed and have experience dealing with special needs children (my brother the autistic who is artistic), and who apparently are the only damn people who give a damn about these kids welfare, are unable to get these kids because of a DAMN SIGNATURE.

You wonder why kids in these situations have emotional problems? I don't anymore.


Adding to the Booty Babe Collection

I collect trashy art. Yeah I said it. It is trashy and scary. I like Spencer Davis, I like Coop. I know I am a weirdo. I collect Big Booty Babe Art, I get it here.

I already have this one:


Which should be my next one?

This one?


Or this one?


IR Romance Novels: To Love or Hate Them?

OK between reading Jack Kerouac, Chuck Palahniuk, Jeff Noon, and Aldous Huxley, I occasionally read chick lit and romance novels. Yeah I know it is formulaic, thoughtless, and crass. I still read it anyway. I have for the past couple of years or so have noticed that there is a subset of romance novels that caters to black women who are into IR. I would say white men, but I don't know a lot of guys who read romance novels. Now many times I have a problem with these type of books, much for the same reason I hate a lot of "urban" (read black) fiction.

Apparently black people are so obsessed with name brands we must make mention of them from the shoes a girl is wearing, the car she drives, the liquor she drinks.

In all other books a woman would have a dry martini, it would be written. "The woman had a dry martini."

In the "urban" fiction book, "The woman sipped her Grey Goose martini, extra dry as her Tiffany bracelet clanked against the Lalique crystal stemware that came from Neiman's. "

You get my point?

Then there is the matter of I guess small publishing houses aren't into editing books. I have seen the word conversate in more books than I care to admit, over and over again, repeatedly being used. For the record, conversate is not a word. It never was. The word is converse. Seriously. I know. Besides that, why can't you say you were talking? Or had a discussion? Hell even say you were chit chatting?

I understand some typos, hell I am the typo queen!!!!! I admit to it. But it just rubs me the wrong way when I see pages upon pages of typos.

Is it me, or am I judging these books a bit more harsher, than lets say the "classics"?

I know that we should be excited that there are even books geared towards this type of IR, but honestly I wish there were more mainstream books in which IR took place, but was not at center stage. I noticed with Jack Kerouac, who happens to be one of my favorite writers, he mentions his attraction to IR, but it isn't the gist of the story. I honestly think his book was the first book I ever read that even addressed IR between white men and black women. His book also discusses hitchhiking across the country, which for a brief period of time after reading "On the Road" I was eager to do before I got concerned about serial killer truck drivers, and determining I would have to go into truck stop prostitution to fund my endeavor.

Why aren't there more mainstream books or literature with an IR theme?


Natural Vs. Perm & Weave: Reactions from People of Varying Races

I have natural hair. I blog about it even. Actually I blog about being a product junkie. I have been relaxer free for 8 years. I always found in my personal experience I have more receptive responses to my natural hair from white people or non black people than from black people. My husband actually encouraged me to go natural. He saw me cringing at the pain of a relaxer and the open burning wounds on my head caused by my at home relaxer kit. Just for Me anyone? Yeah even the kiddie relaxers hurt like hell. I did the ceramic hot iron route for years, as well as the poofy ponytail and bun. I finally decided to do wash and go earlier this year and have gotten positive results. No one has told me I look crackish due to my natural hair yet. They have said I was crackish, but that was for other reasons. I guess my question is this: Do you think that non black men in particular are more receptive to a natural or do they prefer the relaxed/weave look?

I can say even though my husband encourages natural, he is not about me having short or shorter hair. When straight I do have hair midway down my back. My husband likes that look, he likes my just past my shoulders natural look as well, but I thought about doing twists and even locks, and he was not as receptive. The thought of bald is an absolute nightmare for him. I have noted though the last few years, there has been quite an increase in the natural look, I am taking that to mean more black men are open to the look as well. What do you think? I know in my past it was a negative to be called "nappy"or have a "kitchen" or "beady bead" hair.
Black women are suppossedly well known for their love of weave. I have even had other black people touch my hair looking for tracks because my hair is longer. Black people I think in general are just now warming up to the natural trend. I know my parents are just now accepting me with my natural vs straight hair look, and I notice I still get weird looks from people when wearing my natural hair, but not as many as I used to.

I think that many times when you talk to white or non black men on the blogs, they point to the Halle Berrys, Gabrielle Unions, Beyonces, and Sanaa Lathans of the world. Those women are beautiful, hell they would all be beautiful if they were bald, but you never see these men say they are all about looking at India Arie or Amel Larrieux or even Jill Scott. It seems they are more attracted to straight and longer hair, with Halle being the exception to longer hair. Why do you think that is? Are they not aware of black female celebrities? Or are they just not interested in women with natural hair?


Admission of IR

OK I am going to be blunt and honest. I have never ever had sex with a black guy. I have barely even kissed a black guy. I have kissed a Hispanic guy, fooled around with a Hispanic guy. I kissed an Eurasian guy once. But every single person I have ever had sex with has been white, which is just my husband because I was a virgin before I was married at age 27 ::wink::

Is that bad? I have dated white, Hispanic, black, and Asian guys, but only been intimate with white guys(I mean my husband, as I said I was a virgin).

I don't know why that is. Am I sexually more attracted to white guys (my husband) than other races of guys? Is it because of where I grew up, where often I was the only minority within a ten mile radius. Is it because my first grade school boyfriend was a red headed boy named Charlie, or the next door neighbor Brian who I used to make out with at age 5, and who showed me his wee wee after he ran away from home as my parents opened the door to my room to see what I was doing. His parents and mine were scared, we even got banned from each others houses to keep from kissing each other like the people in soap operas did. But we couldn't keep our hands off each other!!!! I don't know why that is. Maybe he is the reason I like dark haired guys with light eyes. He had the darkest hair, palest skin, and bluest eyes I had ever seen. I did date Marcus in preschool we were pretty serious for about 3 days, and he was black, but aside from that, all my real "relationships" beyond dating have been with white guys (my husband).

Is there a rationale for my preferences? Am I racist?


'I love my mixed race baby - but why does she feel so alien?'

This journalist wrote an article about having a mixed race child here. She talks of how difficult it is to look at her and relate to her because she "looks different". I see why her husband and her have since split per another article. Being that I want children and in an IR relationship, I have expected my children to be biracial. I have never once thought they would feel different, or I would not be able to relate to them at all. If I am their mother, and my husband is their father that is all we need to make the family. I relate to my husband being that he is of a different race just fine. He doesn't feel "alien" at all. I wouldn't expect my child, my own flesh and blood to be either. Why would she write such drivel? Is she not concerned her child might one day find this article and read it as she learns her mother feels distant from her?

She's getting very dark, isn't she?" This is what one of my friends recently said about my much adored - 12-week-old daughter.

She didn't mean to be rude. But it was a comment that struck me with the force of a jab to the stomach.

Immediately, I was overwhelmed by a confusion of emotions. I felt protective, insulted, worried, ashamed, guilty, all at once. The reason? My lovely, wriggly, smiley baby is mixed race.

Why is it an insult to say a child is getting darker? Why are you guilty or ashamed of your own child? Are you guilty or ashamed of your spouse who you laid down with to make this child? How dare you have shame because your baby is dark skinned, I am sure by virtue of the father she looks ten times better than you. Dark does not equal ugly, why would this woman think this way?

Into this positively Scandinavian next generation, I have now injected a tiny, dark-skinned, dark-haired girl. To say she stands out is an understatement.

So what she looks different from your lily white Scandinavian looking family, she is probably the most beautiful person in your family, and it seems her skin tone and hair color is an inconvenience.

One reason for my fear is my own mixed reactions to my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She is the child I didn't think I'd have after my first marriage broke up. She is the only granddaughter in our family and we all dote on her.

But when I turn to the mirror in my bedroom to admire us together, I am shocked. She seems so alien. With her long, dark eyelashes and shiny, dark brown hair, she doesn't look anything like me.

I know that concentrating on how my daughter looks is shallow. She is a person in her own right, not an accessory to me. But still, I can't shake off the feeling of unease.

I didn't realise how much her looking different would matter and, on a rational level, I know it shouldn't. But it does.

Evolution demands that we have children to pass on our genes, hence the sense of pride and validation we get when we see our features reappearing in the next generation.

With my daughter, I don't have that. Do black fathers who marry white women and then have paler-skinned children feel my sense of loss? Or maybe Chinese mothers or Middle-Eastern grandparents grieve when they see a child they know to be their own, but whose features don't reflect that?

You have an aversion to mixed race children, but yet you made one. Of course the child looks like you, she is just a darker version, and I am sure she also looks like a lighter version of her father. Unless all his genes took over and now she is super duper Indian child. You still feel alien to a child that came out of your body. That is a completely crazy concept to me.

Even if I don't fit this profile, my daughter's difference definitely points out the fact that my children come from two different fathers.

If I wanted to pass us off as a nice, neat nuclear family, she would blow my cover at once.

Oh no your kids have different fathers. This has nothing to do with race, and rather you poor decision to procreate multiple times. If you wanted them to have the same father, get knocked up by the same man. It is so easy.....why couldn't this woman have thought of that?


Does a Black Woman Have To Be Conservative For a White Man to Like Her?

For the past few weeks, I have actually been going to other blogs, mostly blogs focused on interracial relationships between black women and white men. I myself am a black woman married to a white man, which is why I have an interest in these blogs. One thing I have noticed increasingly as I have looked at these blogs, is that there is a way more active black female participation in the discussion of these blogs than white men. One blog I have noticed though has a increase in the number of white men participating than others I have been to. The women that writes the blog is a self proclaimed conservative. The white men love her!!!! As you notice my blog is not about interracial relationships, race relations are discussed, but I talk about politics or whatever is on my mind the majority of the time. I curse, have no valuable input and strictly do this for myself. So I am wondering, do white guys who date black women tend to lean toward the conservative/republican gals? Do you as a black woman, have to like Bush and Cheney to get love from a white guy? I know when I get approached by white men in republican dominated Texas, the issue of politics doesn't normally come up in conversation, but the issue of me being married does, and so the conversation lasts maybe five minutes at most and then they go away.

Back in my dating days though, I dated a couple of conservative guys, but for the most part they were more middle of the road. I have had a few ultra conservative guys approach me in the dating days, but it never turned into anything.

I typically have this stereotype that conservative men are the guys that come up to you wanting sex, but not wanting a relationship because it would in their minds alter the course of the world and their families would reject them. I did know a black girl who fooled around with a conservative white guy, and that was indeed his mentality. She was good enough to screw, but not good enough to bring home to mom. Maybe that is why I have that perception?

I also get the perception that being conservative = "more white acting" than if you are a liberal. The kind of black women that would stereotypically like a white man, because she has turned her back on the black community by simply being conservative. Conservative =white, liberal=minority, woman, hippie, or gay. Or she would read this book, and seek out white men. For the love of God don't read this book, unless you are into feeding racism, hating black people, and love stereotypes.

Why is it white guys seem to gravitate, at least in the blogosphere to women who are more conservative than liberal? Are most white men more conservative than liberal? Do they feel conservative black people "act whiter" than the black liberal counterparts? Is it so they can watch Fox News and read Ann Coulter books together?


Things that make you go hhhhmmmmm

April 13, 2007, 1:23 pm
Single Female Seeking Same-Race Male

By John Tierney

Tags: mate preferences

Readers responded to my last post with lots of theories and personal reports on people’s preferences in interracial dating. Also some complaints that I seemed to be asking for comments about only whites and blacks — an impression I didn’t mean to give. Researchers have been studying other races, too. They’ve found that theories and anecdotal evidence aren’t a very reliable guide to these questions: some of the common stereotypes don’t match the data.

Some of you did get it right, like Dan, who hypothesized that Asians are relatively more willing to date outside their race. David predicted that black men are more likely to date white women than white men are to date black women — which is right, although not for the reason many people think. It’s not that white men are more reluctant to date non-whites; it’s that black women are less willing to date someone of another race.

At least that’s the picture that emerges from studies of online daters and speed daters. Men are generally willing to date someone of another race, but women are more reluctant, especially African-American women.

Consider “Racial Preferences in Dating,” a study of more than 400 graduate and professional students who participated in speed dating sessions at Columbia University organized by Raymond Fisman, Sheena S. Iyengar, Emir Kamenica and Itamar Simonson. The researchers conclude: “Even in a population of relatively progressive individuals who have self-selected into participation in a multi-cultural Speed Dating event, we observe strong racial preferences.”

There’s also a clear gender divide, as the researchers note: “Women of all races exhibit strong same race preferences, while men of no race exhibit a statistically significant same race preference.” You might think the gender gap is the result of different dating goals: perhaps the men are more interested in short-term flings, whereas the women are looking for a lasting relationship and are concerned about potential complications from cultural differences. But the researchers conclude otherwise after looking at the data:

“Since older subjects (who are more likely to attend the Speed Dating sessions in hope of starting a serious relationship) have a weaker same race preference, this gender difference is unlikely to result from differential dating goals between men and women.”

The researchers found that most women speed daters said yes (meaning they’d like to see a man again after the four-minute speed date) less often to men of another race than they did to men of their own race. Here’s how much less interested they were in the other races, as compared with their enthusiasm for men of their own race:

African-American women said yes about 30 percent less often to Hispanic men; about 45 percent less often to white men; about 65 percent less often to Asian men.

White women said yes about 30 percent less often to black or Hispanic men, and about 65 percent less often to Asian men.

Hispanic women said yes about 20 percent less often to black or white men, and 50 percent less often to Asian men.

Asian women didn’t discriminate much by race (except for showing a very slight preference for Asian men over black or Hispanic men).

After noting who said yes to whom, the researchers analyzed a confounding factor: the men’s physical attractiveness. They found that the women of different races generally agreed with one another in rating the various men’s attractiveness — and that they were less willing to date a man of another race even when he was just as attractive as a man of their own race. When the researchers controlled for the men’s attractiveness, they found that white, Hispanic and Asian women generally showed about the same level of same-race preference, while black women showed a significantly higher preference.

These results from the speed dating experiment roughly jibe with the study I cited in the earlier post about height-income tradeoffs. In that analysis of more than 20,000 online daters, split roughly evenly between Boston and San Diego, men didn’t show much preference for same-race partners. Women did, and African-American women showed the most pronounced preference.

The researchers, after controlling for all other attributes (height, weight, attractiveness, etc.), calculated how much extra income (relative to the income of the average online male dater, $62,500) a man would need to overcome the racial barrier. Here are some of the estimates (there weren’t enough data to do all the interracial permutations) of how much each extra income a man would need to be equally appealing to a woman as would a man of her own race:

For equal success with an African-American woman, a Hispanic man needs to earn an extra $184,000; a white man needs to earn an additional $220,000.

For equal success with a white woman, an African-American needs to earn an additional $154,000; a Hispanic man needs $77,000; an Asian needs $247,000.

For equal success with a Hispanic woman, an African-American man needs to earn an additional $30,000; a white man needs to earn an additional $59,000.

For equal success with an Asian woman, an African-American needs no additional income; a white man needs $24,000 less than average; a Hispanic man needs $28,000 more than average.

I’ll leave you with two questions: Why do women have these preferences? And what might prompt them to pay less attention to a man’s race?


Why Incidents Such as the Jena 6 Happen

This post is from a woman who posted a comment on my blog. She is a school teacher whose classroom was vandalized with racial epitaphs. Her school dismissed it as a prank. You would think that the Alachua County School District, Gainesville, Florida, would take a cue from Jena, La.

I believe the Jena 6 fiasco that occurred could have been prevented if the school had acted appropriately to the nooses hanging in the tree. If they had addressed the fact that in this day and age the concept of having a white tree on school grounds, that had a history of being a lynching tree in your town should have been addressed YEARS ago. If these issues had been handled properly. There wouldn't have been as much racial tension in the school, and maybe, just maybe this school fight, which the DA tried to turn into attempted murder with tennis shoes as the weapon, would not have happened.

Of course isn't this how most things escalate? People sit by and do nothing, and then react after things have escalated to a boiling point.