2007-11-10

Black Women Being Cautious of White Male Intentions





I was over at another blog reading comments on a post, when someone basically said that that as a white male, they will have to get used to black women being weary of their intentions. It then made me wonder why black women have those fears, and being a black woman who has many times been weary of white men, I wanted to think about all the reasons I had for doing so.

I think the first reason is, in my mind white men could never find black women, in particular black women with dark skin, fuller lips, and "ethnic" looking noses attractive. I talked about this in another post a couple of years ago, if I was to go by media, there would be no way I could think a white guy could be attracted to me. Much less if the woman had natural hair vs. relaxed or with extensions. I grew up with the "light is right" mentality, not so much from my parents, but extended family. My brother and cousin were constantly doted on for their light hair and bright eyes. I was doted on for my long hair, another cousin doted on for her pale yellow skin. It was if the only way to be attractive was to have more "mixed" looking features. So I, along with many others equated light skin and good hair with being pretty, and dark skin with not so "good" hair as unattractive. I grew up knowing many black boys and men who subscribed to this same mentality.

So in my mind the reasons white men would approach a black woman would be for either sex or because white women didn't want them. I also heard many times growing up a white man doesn't want you, he might have sex with you, but he will never bring you around his friends or family, and he will definitely never marry you. I had a BM friend tell me that my husband was only out looking for someone to screw, and he would end up with a white woman. I did actually know a couple of white men like this in college. They were all about asking you out, and getting sexually suggestive with you, but would recoil in fear if their friends or family found out about their approaching a black woman. I even knew a guy who told me if he ever got married, it would be to someone no darker than asian, as he couldn't bring a black women home to his family, even though he was steady chasing around black women on campus.

I also assumed that white men wouldn't date black women because in the instances I did see white men with non white women, they were asian or hispanic women, never black women. I guess asian and hispanic women were acceptable relationships, but to go black was going to a whole different species and shunned. I knew asian and hispanic women who had or were dating white men at the time asking me about white men approaching me and just in shock a white guy would even approach me. In their minds their IR was acceptable, but mine was not. I even had a hispanic friend ask me what it was like to be in an IR relationship, when she was in an IR relationship with a white male. I asked her the same question, and it wasn't until then she realized she was in an IR as well.

I remember for years being frustrated and hurt that I even had an attraction to white men, after all, why would they want a black girl? I also felt I was hurting the "black community" and felt that I was a traitor to my race for even entertaining the thought. So the first few times a white guy ever asked me out, I turned them down, or would simply run away. Even now if a white guy hits on me, I kind of look in shock as if there must be something wrong with them for them to even entertain the idea of a black woman. I think my reasoning all came down to brainwashing and self hatred, and it is something I still need to work on, and that many other black women need to work on this mentality as well if they are ever to find happiness in any relationship.