2007-12-27

Togetherness


Me and my husband have a vastly different view of relationships. At times it has caused tension in our years together. I think it totally has to do with our upbringing. My parents are still together after 34 years. His parents are divorced and he has had two "step daddies", and his mother has probably shared too much in regards to their rough patches, as my parents have shielded me from such things. His father is always single.

My parents are a bit more independent. My dad travels a lot for work so they are apart quite often for a day or two. I grew up thinking it was perfectly normal on Sunday morning to have breakfast together and read the newspaper at the table. If you wanted to take a weekend trip to see family or friends, it was ok, the other person would hold down the fort. My mother and father both while obtaining their masters while married with children were away for three or four weeks to take a class or two. I came into a relationship thinking these things were normal.

My husband finds it strange. He thinks we should be together always. If we read at the table, what is the point of being at the table? We had this discussion with his mother, she thought the only people who did that were in the movies. To me reading the newspaper or a book at the table is akin to eating dinner on the coffee table and watching TV, which is something we do often as he refuses to eat at the kitchen table. I have been on one vacation without him since we were together, and it was because he started a new job and was scared to ask for vacation and instead of losing the money on the trip, I took a friend. Me and other friends have talked about taking road trips together, hanging, hell even sleeping over each others house, and it freaks him out, he thinks it is strange. I don't. I am not talking about guy friends either, this is with girls, so no fear of hanky panky. He evens freaks out if he thinks I meet up with friends too often. I have a friend who I met up with after work and we discussed getting together the weekend in the same week. My husband was adamant about me staying home, indicating she could come over, but I had been out enough for the week. It of course started a "disagreement". When I talk about vacations, doing things separate, he says only people who don't love each other do that. I think often times than not he doesn't object to my socializing because he doesn't want me to feel trapped or start to resent him.

One thing he does, that I love him for, since he doesn't want me to go places without him, he will suffer for concerts for me so I am not out without him. He went to he pixies concert and suffered because I was standing the whole time singing the songs. He can't stand the Pixies. That is love right there.

I think since he didn't grow up with his parents together his preconceived notions are in relationships you are always together, not just mentally and emotionally, but literally as well. I always thought independence was good, it made the relationship stronger, as long as you were faithful, a weekend trip with the girls or guys every once in a while wouldn't kill you. I think I am more lax about togetherness because I am not one to think doom and gloom and that separation will occur if we have our own things that are separate and apart. I think him growing up without his father had an impact on his views on relationships, as my parents being together had an impact on mine.

I wonder if I am too lax or if he is too strict in his definition of togetherness.