10% Works Too Well

In Texas, my home state, my alma mater fought vehemently against race based admissions 10 years ago and was successful. Texas made it illegal for schools to use race based admissions. Instead our now President, then governor did one thing that was actually smart, he guaranteed that if you were in the top 10% of your class in high school, you were automatically allowed admission into a state school, including University of Texas at Austin and Texas A&M and two top state schools. Now the President of UT Austin is mad it is working too well. He feels he is ignoring other kids with high potential while being forced to enroll these 10% students. Just to give you some pointers on how the 10% rule has worked in the past 10 years:

* Students admitted under the 10% rule get better grades than other students. Plus, they graduate at higher rates.

* Racial diversity at the Austin campus improved. The number of Hispanic students has risen by 29% and the African-American student population by 32%.

* Economic and geographic diversity improved as well. Before the law took effect, the Austin campus drew from 616 high schools. Now it draws from 853 schools.

(this is all from the link I just provided)

This 10% rule was widely popular when rolled out, getting support from all angles. Now it is an issue. I think the issue is that Rebecca, the "C" student with rich parents is now getting pushed aside for LaKeisha, the straight "A" student with broke ass parents who can't provide private funding and donations to the school. We are starting to mess up legacies that were based upon nothing more than who you were related to. I think the expectation was that the 10% would automatically be mostly white, and it wasn't. Now that admissions are based upon merit, instead of race, these same people are still crying reverse racism, and now their white kids have to go to "less prestigious" schools. Oh well.

Thanks Prometheus 6 for posting this article.


European White Guys vs. American White Guys

In the last post, there were comments made about European White Men vs. American White Men. I figured it would make a good post, since I have dated European Men and American Men.

My experience with American white guys for the most part have been good. I have had some bad experiences though. Guys who ask me out, but are scared to tell their friends or want to keep things on the down low. Men who basically just want sex (hell who I am kidding, that is all men LOL). Not all American guys were like this, heck I am married an American guy :)

I will say I have dated three European Guys (one from Italy, one from England, one from Germany). I found them to be more open to dating IR. The English guy was the first white guy my age that actively pursued me. Usually the white American guys were older, I wasn't into older guys, I liked guys my own age, I still do. I don't think I would want a 21 year old or a 50 year old at this point in my life (if I were single). He was also actually really attractive, and I will admit I have a weakness for accents, but he was really pretty. I even lowered my height requirement, he was only 5'10 which is short for me :) Blue eyes, dark hair, and a very, very nice six pack. I don't think I ever saw a six pack like that in real life ever before then, or even now. It was awesome. I digress. Anyway he was a college student, like myself, he was really nice for the most part, the only reason we quit seeing each other is because he moved back to England. He was shockingly open about our relationship with everyone. The white guys I had dated in the past weren't so overtly open with the whole relationship. They wouldn't show affection in public aside from holding hands, where as this guy was openly affectionate. I found this to be the case with the other two European guys as well.

The Italian guy was a bit older, I was 19, he was 28, but again very open about the relationship. He was big on going out and very confrontational with people who even gave us looks, which you get a lot in Texas. It is odd to see BW/non black men couples. I am used to the looks since I pretty much have always dated IR. We broke up though because he was really shallow. He was all about appearances and very absorbed in the Dallas materialistic lifestyle.

The German guy was a bit more reserved than the other two, but still open. He just had no clue about black people at all. He would ask me crazy questions all the time. I had to leave him alone.

Now I have gone on some casual dates with other European guys (Irish and English mostly), but nothing really all that serious.

Most the American guys I have dated, including my husband don't seem to be as overtly affectionate. They also tend to have issues or concerns about their parents and/or friends. I think it is more of an novelty to date a black girl. There is no intention of a serious long term relationship. When they actively pursue a black woman, it isn't always overt, they are more subtle in their approach. I think the strained race relations are obvious in these relationships. There is also a matter of politics. I find European guys tend to be more liberal. Of course I live in Texas, where everyone is a hard core republican, so many of the guys I have dated have been kind of conservative, even those who are a bit more liberal, like my husband tend to be a bit more conservative.

My experiences I will admit are limited, but this is my take on American guys vs. European guys. I don't think American guys are bad, just different, and the racial history of America brings some complex feelings on the concept of IR dating.


Why Black People Dislike Biracials and High Yellow Folks: An Explanation of Colorism Within The Black Community

Let me put a disclaimer on this post. Black people do not really dislike biracial or light skinned people, but rather there is some animosity, in my opinion of the black community when it comes to colorism within that community.

I am going to say this. Black people tend to dislike biracial folks. I say this as I am married to a white man and there is the possibility of having biracial children. I say this having limited exposure to those who are biracial.

Why do blacks hate biracials? A little background.

At one time, biracial people were just black folks. Heck you could be 75% white and only 25% black and still be just black. The shame of having an ounce of black in you, made those who didn't even look black, black.

Back in the day even though these biracials were just black, they were the upper echelon of black society. The black upper class was overwhelmingly those of obvious mixed ancestry. There were light skinned folks using the brown paper bag test to determine marriage partners. There were schools and organizations (The Blue Veins) they discriminated against darker skinned blacks.

That being said since the biracials were considered on top of the totem pole of down trodden blacks you then had the issue envy and jealously. Even to this day there are black men and women who want "high yella" or "redbone" partners, with light eyes, and long, wavy hair. Biracials blacks are considered the ideal, and that does nothing to improve the self esteem of us regular black girls who are of the darker hue, already having to compete with white beauty ideals we can never attain. The rationale is a biracial or light skinned person is closer than we will ever be to the beauty ideals shared by pretty much most people.

Biracials or lighter skin black folks or also seen as less threatening to their white counterparts. I have a friend who is very fair skinned with green eyes who say white people tell her the craziest most racist things about blacks, because they don't feel she is completely black, even though the woman identifies as a black woman.

Now we fast forward to the present society. The concept of biracial folks not being just black is a fairly new phenomenon, I would say the last 30 or 40 years has been the uprising of the struggle of biracial folks. I once heard someone made the point, when it was black women having white men's babies they were just black, but once white women started having black men's babies there was an outcry for them to be identified as other than black. I have met white women like this. They try to quickly identify how their child is not black, be it skin color, eye color, or hair texture. It is like there is a goal to distance themselves from black. I have met black women like this as well. I have heard black women say that black women make biracial babies with more European features than white women do. I have met those who dote on their child's eye color, hair texture, and skin tone. In this distancing of one's self to be less black, there is also a question of when does one stop becoming black and become biracial or multiracial. Most African Americans are of mixed ancestry, at least those of us with slave ancestry here in America.

You then have biracial folks themselves. Some tend to be sheltered from one aspect of their ancestry. You have those who have been immersed in black culture with virtually no contact with white society and vice versa. Since I grew up in predominantly white areas myself, I knew many biracial people who had no connection to being black. I went to school with a biracial girl who was scared to death to let anyone know she had a black father. She was quick to point out she was raised among whites and wanted nothing to do with her father or black people. I will note she was raised by her redneck grandparents, which probably didn't help her cause at all. Or those who wanted to distance themselves so much from blackness, I think if they could pass for white they would.

You also have the other end of the spectrum . I once worked with a woman I assumed to be hispanic or olive complected white woman. For about a year I never really thought of her race, until one day she came up to me and said something about "Sistas Sticking Together". I just looked at her strange, and then finally someone explained her mother was black and she identified as black. She was steady immersed in black culture, identified strongly as black, and I won't say she disliked white people (she was married to a white man), but she would make off the cuff remarks about white people often.

I will make the admission, I am scared my child will end up like Peola Johnson in Imitation of Life. Hating her mother her entire life because she kept spoiling her plans to pass as white. Running away from her mother, saying cruel things, wanting to distance herself from her blackness as much as possible. That and I am scared I will be asked if I am a nanny to my own child. I've made jokes to my husband I intend to make my children lay out in the sun to enhance their natural tans so they appear more black and that they will join the Black Panther Party. Much like Kalinga and his wife's children:


Preference vs. Fetish


Main Entry:
also fe·tich
French & Portuguese; French fétiche, from Portuguese feitiço, from feitiço artificial, false, from Latin facticius factitious
an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression



Main Entry:
Middle English preferraunce, from Middle French preferance, from Medieval Latin praeferentia, from Latin praeferent-, praeferens, present participle of praeferre
15th century
the power or opportunity of choosing

I would like to think that my attraction to my husband was a preference. I prefer white men, but I can find other races of men attractive as well. I don't know what it is, but I like guys with pale skin and blue or green eyes. I don't know what caused me to have this particular preference. I assume it was my surroundings growing up. I don't think it is due to self hatred. I've never myself needed color contacts or felt insecure about having brown eyes. I in fact look weird with color contacts, my husband freaked out. Ironically he loves brown eyes.

I also think my husband has a preference. He likes darker skinned women. I don't know if he has ever really dated a white woman before though, I never asked. I know that before we dated he dated black, asian, and hispanic women. I have seen him acknowledge the beauty of a white woman or two. I think he can find white women attractive, but I don't think that he has ever actively pursued the white women he was attracted to.

It seems a lot of black women have fear of the white men who posess a fetish. It is true there are quite a few white males who have a sexual fetish towards black women. Those men view black women as an object rather than as a potential mate. That they want to experiment sexually with a black woman. I don't know if the reason black women are looked upon as fetish is due to natural inclination or the sexuality of black women in the media (music video, men's magazines). I just know I have been approached by men who have asked me to dance for them in a non strip club setting, or have asked me if I wanted to "taste some vanilla" as they wanted to "try out some chocolate" I haven't ever thought to partake in these offers and requests, and usually these guys make their intentions known right from the get go. They want sex, nothing more nothing less.

I will admit though both my husband and I have fetish tendencies. I will admit there have been a few times I have compared skin color when holding his hand. Sometimes it is just out of realization that yes he is very white compared to me being very dark. I don't always think of myself in IR, I think of myself in a relationship. I also go gaga over a pair of green or blue eyes. I have been known to buy my husband clothing that brings out the green in his eyes or make it look like his eyes are more yellow. Yeah he has the weird yellowish/greenish looking eyes depending upon the particular day or whatever he is wearing. He thinks it is weird I pick clothing based upon his eye color. I will also admit that if I was ever to end the relationship with my husband, I would probably date and have a relationship with another white guy. Will it be another white guy who is tall with dark hair and green eyes? Who knows? But my preference is for white men. I am just more attracted to white men on average than black, hispanic, or asian. But I never say never, I would never say I could never date or get into a relationship with asian, hispanic, or black men. I have dated hispanic and black men with beautiful brown eyes, perfect skin, and who were just gorgeous, but beyond the physical, we just didn't click. Gorgeous comes in every race.

My husband I think is the same way. He prefers brown eyes to blue, green, or hazel. He loves my dark curly hair. He openly admits he likes it when I wear the color white, he likes the contrast against my skin. He loves my big booty. But I don't think he would be with me for the sake of being with a black woman, if that were the case he could have been with any of the women before me. Or an asian or hispanic woman. He has never displayed disgust towards white women. He has even acknowledged white women he felt were attractive, but he prefers black women, at least his dating history suggests this. If he were ever to leave me, I think his next mate would be a non-white woman. Maybe not a black woman, but probably someone with dark hair, brown eyes. More than likely someone that is hispanic, or indian (asian) as he loves long dark hair.

I personally think those who have a fetish where this fetish on their sleeve, they don't want a relationship, they want to objectify and they want sex nothing more, whereas a person with a preference wants beyond the physical and is willing to hold out for more than just sex when it comes to dating partners,and they actually want a relationship vs. a one night stand. They don't hide their preference, where as someone with a fetish is more apt to hide their fetish from family and friends. For them it is a sense of shame of not being able to "help themselves" to the objects or people they seek sexual gratification from.

I think many times in IR relationships between black women and white men, black women have been taught that white men could only want them for sex, and I think this causes black women to dismiss white men as nothing more than fetish freaks, using them for sex and nothing more. White men sometimes get a bad rap, and we need to figure out that any man, regardless of race can objectify you or treat you as a fetish. Not just for race, but for other attributes. Your chest, your booty, your legs. The difference is knowing how to look out for guys who just want you for sex, rather than something more.


Black People and Therapy

In my post about child rearing I shared with people my pain and depression I suffered through when I miscarried. Many suggested I look into some form of counseling to deal with my grieving.

I know this sounds awful, but I don't know if I can handle therapy. I was always told that it was something white people do, and if you do it, you are crazy. Ironically, one of my friends is a counselor, and we often talk about black people and therapy often, because she says it is frustrating to her that there are black people with my warped mindset about therapy. I have gone to two therapy sessions in my life. It was to talk about the sexual abuse I endured. I don't think I actually ever opened up. I never gave details, I never explained my reactions to it, and I was pretty much a quiet person with not much to say, which is a complete and utter miracle, I always have something to say. I don't think I have ever told anyone the details of what happened. My parents still don't know, my husband doesn't really know (I have said vague things to him in the past) and to add insult to injury my new brother and sister (aka my cousins) are children and niece of nephew of two of my abusers. So I cope with that. I am thankful I have been able to treat them separate from their mother and uncle.

My response to most things is to internalize or turn to other things. When I was younger it was staying chaste, when I went to college it was be a hoochie with guys I didn't even like, after that phase it was food. I go through phases (food and sex) pretty much every six months. No I do not have random sex with men now that I am married, but I use sex to smooth things over. Yeah you are going to have to highlight this, as this is TMI: If he is mad at me, a pair of panties works every single time. I want to smooth things over, so sex is my way to do that for him. If I am mad, I usually turn to sex as relief. Sex is my coping mechanism at times when food doesn't work.When I miscarried I turned to food, and I gained a ton of weight I had just lost previous to finding out I was pregnant. I pretty much became a nun for few months, scared of having sex, scared of getting pregnant If I can't walk away during an argument, I feel trapped, panic, and freak out on occasion. My husband is the first man I have been with to actually not let me walk away. If it was up to me I would have ran away month three into our relationship, but he has stuck by me and is patient with me. To deal with the new brother and sister, so far I am doing great, but then I feel guilt because I knew the type of person their mother was, and I didn't say anything. There is no evidence of sexual abuse in their past, but definite physical abuse. It is my fault they had to suffer.

In terms of therapy I don't like to share that kind of stuff, I don't want people to know, I can freely say things here, because to some extent I am anonymous. But I have aside from the therapist told exactly three people of what happened to me as a child in real life.

It is nice to have all your business out on the front porch like this for the world to see.

Even though with all these issues, it is obvious I am crazy, I feel that I would be extra crazy if I actually admitted I needed therapy to help me cope with feelings. After all did the freed slaves go to therapy. Did Rosa Parks have to have therapy. Black people are strong, just pray and everything will get better right? That is the advice I usually get from black folks when I look depressed :)

My parents instilled this in me, and they still hold this belief. K and T and my parents have therapy (as a requirement during the adoption process) and my parents think it is a waste of time, they think the kids problems can be resolved with discipline and structure. These kids for all they have been through really do need therapy. It is just hard to accept that considering my parents have been raised to think they same way I think (where do you think I got my warped sense of therapy from).

How does one get over this stigma of therapy? You certainly can't tell people you are in therapy, they will look at you crazy and call you an "Oreo".

R.I.P. Arthur C. Clarke: December 16, 1917 – March 18, 2008


Is The Feminist Movement is Out of Touch With Poor and Minorities?

This article succinctly details how out of touch the feminist movement has gotten. When women chastise Oprah for endorsing Obama, that is an issue. When you have feminist icons like Geraldine Ferraro and Gloria Steinem making these types of comments, we can see how the feminist movement was perceived as an elitist white women movement, exclusionary of blacks and other minorities. The comments about Obama show how out of touch these women are, and how eager they are quick to dismiss the plight and struggle of race in this country.

I'm developing a gray haired man crush on Keith Olbermann, his reaction to the Clinton camp's reaction to the Ferraro debacle is priceless:

Thanks Seattle Slim for the video!!!!

This is a great article from Racism Review:

Geraldine Ferraro’s Racism (unabridged version)
Posted by Adia Harvey on Mar 12th, 2008

Geraldine Ferraro’s recent comments about Barack Obama underscore just how far we haven’t come in America in understanding issues of race and gender. Ferraro said:

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman of any color he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”

Ferraro’s inference is quite clear: that sexism is a bigger problem in America than racism, and that as a Black man Obama “has it easier” than Hillary Clinton because racism is not quite as oppressive, fundamental, and entrenched in society as sexism. Ferraro is not alone in making this claim. These sorts of statements have been made recently by other white feminists such as Gloria Steinem, generally arguing that media coverage is biased in favor of Barack Obama and against Hillary Clinton, and that this is evidence of the primacy of sexism over other “isms.”

Feminists who are making these statements are rehashing the same tired, clichéd arguments that alienated working-class and racial minority women from the feminist movement back in the 1970s and 1980s. The debates over whether gender is more of an oppressive factor than race are self-defeating and miss the point. Privileged white women can be, and are, disadvantaged by virtue of being women in a patriarchal society. Simultaneously, they are also advantaged by virtue of being white in a racist society and because they are wealthy in a capitalist society. Attempting to pit gender against race sets up a false dichotomy between the two, and it draws attention away from the interlocking systems of inequality that exist in this country. Simplistically declaring that “sexism is worse than racism” obscures the way the two systems exist together in an interlocking, complementary fashion. And since both sexism and racism utilize the same basic tools—domination of others, oppression, stereotypes to legitimize unequal opportunity—feminists and other activists would all be better served by eradicating all forms of structural inequality rather than futilely attempting to rank them.

You would think Ferraro would know this. She’s no stranger to feminism and ought to be well aware of the numerous critiques that mainstream, liberal feminism undermines its cause when the attempt is made to address sexism without simultaneously denouncing—and working to end–racism, capitalism and heterosexism.

[edited at 1:42pmEST to add:] Making the case that sexism is worse than racism or even that it is the primary source of women’s oppression ignores the experiences of minority and working-class women (who simultaneously contend with racism and capitalist exploitation) and ultimately alienates these women from feminism and feminist causes. Ferraro’s statement that if “he were a woman of any color he wouldn’t be in this position” does not demonstrate an awareness of the particular challenges faced by minority women; in fact, it smacks of tokenistic attempts made by privileged white women to invite minority women to join “their” movement. Were Ferraro truly attentive to the ways racism and sexism doubly disadvantage minority women, she would recognize that suggesting that they can be hierarchically ranked marginalizes minority women’s experiences and continues to distance them from feminism by reinforcing the (erroneous) idea that feminism isn’t for them.

Further, Ferraro’s ludicrous response that “she is being attacked because she’s white,” demonstrates how completely out of touch she is with the racial realities of America as well as her unwillingness to come to grips with white privilege. She is quoted by a local reporter in Torrance, California (and later reported by CNN) saying:

“Any time anybody does anything that in any way pulls this campaign down and says, ‘Let’s address reality and the problems we’re facing in this world,’ you’re accused of being racist, so you have to shut up. Racism works in two different directions. I really think they’re attacking me because I’m white. How’s that?”

Contrary to Ferraro’s ridiculous claims, racism does not work in two different directions. Whites, as a group, are advantaged by virtue of racial privilege that affords them unjust enrichment in terms of housing, health, education, political power and representation, legal treatment, and many other areas that have been documented by a plethora of sociologists and other researchers. For racism to work both ways, racial minorities, at minimum, would have to be in the position of enjoying the accumulation of centuries of advantage in these areas, and they would enjoy these advantages as a consequence of centuries-old, institutionalized policies that deny the same opportunity to whites. Racism does not work both ways because Geraldine Ferraro gets criticized for minimizing its existence.

Geraldine Ferraro and many other women who make claims similar to hers have been involved with the feminist movement for longer than I’ve been alive. But it’s really sobering to realize that despite their lengthy commitment to the movement, they still haven’t learned that it can’t succeed when they deny their own racial privilege and narcissistically attempt to tailor feminist messages, rhetoric, and ideals only to their own experiences.


The Inevitable Baby Question

Being married, I get the inevitable question of when are me and my husband going to start a family. I honestly don't know. I am of the "if it happens, it happens" mindset. I am actually apprehensive about having a child. My reasons are as follows:

1) This sounds really crappy, but I am scared to have a child with autism. My brother, as well as a couple of other relatives have autism, and I have a constant fear of how I am going to outlive him so that he is taken care of until the day he dies. I would go crazy knowing if I had a child with autism, I would not be able to see them throughout their whole entire lives, and I would worry who would take care of them.

2) The most painful thing I ever experienced was a miscarriage. Not just physically, but mentally. I think I still get angry when people ask me questions about the miscarriage. I think people think or assume it was due to something I did. I got asked questions about what caused it from both my mother in law and my husband's grandparents, and I didn't have an answer. Then my mother in law just a few weeks ago, asked me how did I know I had a miscarriage, as isn't just a extra heavy period, since I was still technically only in the 1st trimester. I am about to get graphic, but this is what MY miscarriage was like, you will have to highlight this area to see it because it is gross. No it was not like an extra heavy period. It was like I was completely dilated, having contractions, but nothing coming out except blood and large blood clots nonstop for about 7 hours. There was a question of whether or not I even had ovaries at one point because they were not easily identifiable to the tech who had a probe up my vagina when I was on a table. It did not feel like regular cramps, it did feel like a "heavy" flow on a regular cycle. It was hell.

Mentally I was messed up. I was extremely sad, I was angry. I was mad at my husband because to me it didn't seem he was as hurt as I was. I felt like a failure and that I disappointed every one. I told my husband at that point he should probably leave me if he ever wants kids because I am damaged. I had just gotten used to the concept of having a child when this happened. I had just gotten really happy and scared at the same time. I was shattered and extremely disappointed when it didn't happen. Prior to getting pregnant I wanted a child, but was really indifferent, now I am scared to get pregnant because I don't want to deal with that ever again.

3) Babies are expensive, I can't afford children, they want a lot. Diapers, formula, clothes. What about me and my trip to the spa?

4) I need to get a fertility check up and so does my husband, but we are both lazy, which to me says we aren't all that eager to have kids.

5) Me and my husband are weirdos and will mess up kids.

6) I will go off on a racist tangent making my children members of the Black Panther Party. No not really, but I might be inclined to have them identify as black because I think often times than not biracial children are seen as black by both blacks and whites, and it might be easier for them later on.

Hopefully my guilt for not giving my parents a grandchild will not overwhelm me. I really hope to figure this child thing out in the next couple of years. I don't have much time anymore.


Marriage and Clothing Options

On Wednesday, me and the man went to dinner. No where fancy, but I wanted to get more comfortable, and with it being in the 70's here right now I wanted to wear a new dress I got for my birthday. I put the dress on. The same dress at the store, I was getting compliments on from my husband as I tried it on. I go to the door and heads towards the car. He just stands there, I notice he isn't moving, I turn around and I notice that he is looking at me like "no you didn't" I ask him what his problem is, and he asks me do I need a jacket to wear. I look at him crazy, as it is 70 something degrees outside and say no, and he says "Yes you do". He is concerned. The dress I am wearing is a tank dress, and if you have read this blog for a while you know I am a bit top heavy, and shirts and dresses that fit right ever where else, might not fit right up top. This dress I felt fit right up top, but my husband felt made me look too boobalicious. I put the jacket on, and he still felt there was too much cleavage exposed. Needless to say I changed clothes. I found some Mennonites selling clothes and opted for this outfit:

This whole dressgate issue had me confused, when I met my husband, I was wearing some pretty risque stuff, mini skirts with platforms (ok guys it was the 90s), tight fitting belly shirts, stuff that wasn't hookerish, but close enough,and he had no problem with me wearing these things when we first met, he actually kind of encouraged it. Now it seems the opposite. He wants me dressed as a nun. What changed? Why was it out to be borderline hoochie back in the day, but now he is scared for me to leave the house in a dress, yes I was slightly boobalicious, but nothing was going to pop out unless I did a brisk run, which I was not planning to do. The dress came a little above my knees and I had some cute sandals on I just BOGO'd at Payless a couple of weeks ago. What would be the big deal? Doesn't he know married women become invisible to most men when they see the ring on the finger? No one wants me, I am too crazy, if someone did take me, they would bring me right back. Why are men so insecure like that?


Materialism is Killing Me

I live in Dallas, and it is all about status here. I know people who wear Dolce and Gabana but live in poverty. I at one time worked with a women who became my friend, who made a great deal of money (she was a manger), but literally lived paycheck to paycheck. She at times borrowed money from me, and I made less than her, and she even a few times had to call me to come get her because she ran out of gas, and she had no money in her bank account or on her credit cards to purchase gas, so I would have to give her $20 just so she could make it home or to work or where ever she was going. She as constantly bouncing checks. She bounced checks so often, her electric company demanded she paid her bills by wire transfer at the check cashing place. They would no longer accept checks from her. She and her husband had a horrible time trying to get a home due to their credit. This same woman wore nothing less than Ann Taylor, and walked around showing off her $300 purses, and eventually she traded in her Nissan Xterra she bought used for a brand new Infiniti FX45. There was nothing wrong with her Xterra, she just wanted the status of having an Infiniti. Her hsubnd is driving a BMW. Her child went to private school, they had a beautiful home, but they had no money and were constantly struggling Then she would have to audacity to ask me why I didn't shop at Ann Taylor and Banana Republic, but rather Old Navy. She also asked why we didn't get a bigger house, because she knew we could afford it. We are two people and live in a four bedroom, two bath house, I don't need a much bigger home than that.

I know a ton of people like this. They have to wear the right clothes, be at the right clubs and restaurants, drive the right car, and have the best house or loft or apartment in the right area. They have max out their credit cards, leased their car, and barely make ends meet in the place they live. It is kind of a facade. This is actually quite common here in Dallas. We even have a name for people like this, they are $30K Millionaires

I am cheap as hell. Until I met my husband, my favorite hobby was shopping at thrift stores and finding stuff no one else would have. It embarrassed my husband, so we stopped. I steady shop at Payless for shoes, I just BOGO'd last week. My only stickler for name brand are my Converse, which I get at the outlet. I own over 20 pair so I have to be that way with my converse. I also own a couple of pair of Adidas, and two good pairs of heels so I am not in agony when I walk in them. I am not really big on appearance in terms of what brand are you wearing and what is in style. I am a complete dork wad. If I have a name brand it is because I got it at TJ Maxx or Ross and it was a coincidence I got it. Hell sometimes I am shopping at Rave aka broke strippers warehouse because I know I can get an outfit for $20. I wear jeans and t-shirts everywhere outside of work, I pass off chinos as business casual, and I get pissed when I have to spend money on work clothes. I go drinking at the same bars I did ten years ago. Me and my friend usually order beers, me Shiner Bock, her Stella, and we play dominos. My wedding ring by my choice came out of the Spiegal Catalog. My husband was making maybe at that time $30K a year, I wasn't expecting a $20K ring.

I think my lack of concern with status or name brands come from my mother, she embarrassed me non stop in middle school, she shopped constantly at the freaking Dollar Store for everything, clothes included. She made me not have shame, and reminded me that nothing is wrong with living on a budget. We didn't have to shop at the Dollar Store, and I got to wear name brand stuff, but it was mixed in with Wal Mart stuff as well. I refer to my SUV as Infiniti's broke ass cousin, Nissan.

I was raised in a middle to upper middle class environment. I went to school with people who got a porsche or BMW or Mercedes for their 1st car. I was rocking a Toyota Camry, but I knew people who had those cars as their first car. I couldn't compete with a Porsche and sometimes I am very grateful of the type of people I hung around in high school. We wore Dickies with flannel and we wore old crappy Doc Martens or Converse. We were so into going against the grain of mainstream (even though we dressed all alike like cult members), by high school I was over name brands.

I know sometimes I succumb to keeping up with the Joneses, but honestly I kills me that people do this, and now it seems it is the status quo. P. Diddy, Jay Z, and their ilk ruined hip hip for me with their obsession with their Bling Bling and Cristal lifestyles. I had to look hard for music that didn't pander to this mindset.I'm still trying to figure out why people give a damn about Paris Hilton. I don't get random celebrity.

I think people over time have gotten more materialistic. My question is why? Why are we obsessed with status, and why does it seem to get worse and worse as time goes on? I feel sometimes I am a failure because I didn't go get the biggest house possible, and I have opted recently in my career, due to a new years resolution to go for what I feel will make me happy and improve things in the world vs. money and title. I am about looking good and being vain. I am very vain. I am not saying look crappy, but does the label make everything better?

Incidentally the richest people I know, they are millionaires, my husband's grandparents shop at thrift stores like no one's business and love the Dollar Store, and they are of the few I know who don't really need to compromise financially on anything.

Black Women In Mainstream Media

I am tired of men in drag portraying black women. I went to Double Consciousness and was watching some discussions over at Grata's about certain characters and if people were over reacting to them. The Black Women are overwhelmingly overweight and so obsessed with food they can't live without it (stereotypes of overweight people) , with bad make up, who cannot pronounce words and have bad syntax, and have horrid names.



Shirley Q. Liquor:

Wanda On In Living Color:

Tovah McQueen and Belma Buttons:

Debra Wilson at least is not a man, but she is Bunifah Latifah Halifah Sharifah Jackson:

Is anyone tired of this? I am just tired, there are people all over the world who think this is how most black women are. People have actually come up to me surprised I am "well spoken". That baffles me, what did they expect me to be? There are people who are freaked that I never wore a weave. That I am not grossly overweight and wearing booty shorts.

It is really hard for me to think of any recurring characters of this caliber played by white actors. Should I be offended?


Black People Hate Me

Black people hate me. I grew up thinking that. I was reliving flashbacks of my school days over at C1's blog.I talked too white, listened to white music, acted white, dressed white. I was too white for black kids, too black for white kids. I won't say growing up in a predominantly white setting I never felt rejection from white kids, I did, but the black kids were way more vocal about it. Until 5th grade I had shared a class with exactly two other black kids at the most. They were like me, aware they were black, but not aware of how to act black. My move to Paris, TX in the 5th grade was when I realized black kids hated me. It started with LaShonna and RoShonda in my 5th grade class. They told me I thought I was better than them, that I was stuck up, and that I wanted to be white. LaShonna and Roshonda would talk behind my back. Taj, Taurus, and Jose were mean to me because LaShonna and Roshonda were mean to me. This followed me all through middle school. All the black kids hated me, I did not have one single black friend. I had a hispanic friend, an asian friend, but no black friends. My friends at that time were virtually all white.

We eventually moved from Paris, TX to the Dallas area. I remember entering the 9th grade with relief that they weren't enough black kids in the whole school to form a clique. There were a total, including me of 8 black kids from grades 9-12 at my school. I went unscathed for the most part when it came to my blackness and expectations of blackness. I got the "you don't sound black" questions from white kids, "let me tell you this funny n*gger joke, no offense", or "wow your house is nice" comments from their parents when they realized I didn't live in the ghetto or in the projects.

Sophomore year came around and the freshman class had 8 black students, but junior year the school was literally 5% black, it had 30 black students, only 6 in my class, I would graduate with five other black kids senior year. The black girls in the freshman class hated me. My mother was their teacher in middle school, they already knew my name before I knew theirs. One girl, I can't even remember her name tried to fight me. She wanted to fight me because her man, one of the black guys in my grade hit on me. I didn't even really like him, he was just really nice and I entertained the idea. From there the taunts came. I was too good for them, I didn't know how to speak (I was incredibly shy in high school and known as a weirdo, I hung out with what we called the new wavers at the time, that would be changed to goth for the younger kids later on). I remember for weeks there were three black girls who would sing the Oreo Cookie song every time I walked by them. I was literally taunted by these kids from morning until afternoon. My senior year, three weeks before graduation, another black girl wanted to fight me. Ironically over a white boy she didn't even realize was gay, we were strictly friends, and he was strictly in the closet, it was no one's business what his sexual orientation was. I think I knew he was gay before he did. Needless to say I refused to fight her, I was all about graduating.

Through all this I didn't get much support from my parents, they thought I acted too white as well, and told me as such.

Between high school and college, I became a bit militant, started listening to hip hop (KRS-1, Public Enemy, Tribe Called Quest), reading Alice Walker, and decided I was going to try to hang out with black people. In college I attempted to and did for a while, but mostly guys, black girls on the other hand, not so friendly too me. I was once told I thought I was better than someone because I had hair past my shoulders, as if this look could not be accomplished with weave. To this day, I think my apprehension towards befriending women is due to the reactions from these black women in college. Obviously when I was in college I started dating my husband, my pro-blackness was short lived.

Even in the workforce I worked as a claims manager, and I had black women who didn't like me or even assumed I wouldn't like them because they thought I acted white. I had one girl assume I listened to Britney Spears (as if), she was in shock I knew who Three 6 Mafia was, and she decided that was I ok to hang with because I was somewhat aware. When some realized I was married to a white man, that sealed the deal for them I must have thought I was white to not only marry a white man, but dare to have a wedding picture of us together on my desk.

Needless to say as I have gotten older I have accumulated friends of all races, and ironically most of them are black women like me. The rejects who were too nerdy, too white, who think they are too good. The sad thing is growing up the taunts made me feel like I wasn't good at all. I grew up not belonging anywhere, I would have been more than happy to fit in where I could.

Do you know any IR couples like this?

I have had the fortunate situation of being married to a man who is fairly aware of race and race issues. I think him growing up in predominantly hispanic and black areas (at least throughout high school),has made him more aware than maybe someone who has not been exposed to different races growing up.

Now I do know a few couples, some even in my family in which there is one partner a bit racist and completely unaware of it because they feel since they are married to someone of a different race there is no way they could be racist.

My prime example of this is my husband's friend. He is hispanic, his wife is white. His wife says crazy off the wall stuff all the time, stuff I would have cursed my husband out if he had said those things to me. She got upset that her brother in law prefers to date hispanic and black women primarily. She feels the only way he is going to get a decent woman is to marry a white women, just like his brother. Every hispanic or black girl he has ever brought around them isn't good enough for him, but the one white woman he did bring around was perfect for him, even though he treated her like complete crap and she was slightly bipolar and didn't take her medication consistently. She also has issues being around hispanics outside of her husband's family. Her mother in law comes to visit for her husband's birthday. For his birthday and for my husband (she treats him as a son, my husband actually lived with them for a while in high school), she wants to make tamales. She asks her daughter in law to take her to a Carnival, Fiesta, or Ole (grocery stores that are geared to the hispanic population) and the wife refuses. She is scared someone is going to scratch her car. That is the excuse she used anyway. I don't know why the chances of her car getting scratched increases at these stores. The wife will however take her mother in law way across to the other side of town to go to a Central Market or Whole Foods (i.e. specialty grocery store with organic food whose demographic tends to be a bit more caucasian)so that her mother in law can get what she needs to make tamales.

They recently had a baby. She was actually excited the baby came out looking relatively white. She is unaware that many children of color come out a certain skin tone, but darken after time. The child has darkened and surprise looks as if she may be hispanic, she has quit talking about the baby's skin tone.

She has even said crazy stuff to me.

She is very nice, but I have to keep her at a distance so I don't have to tell her about herself.


Friday Night-We Be Clubbin'

Woo Hoo. Nothing says Friday night like being in pajamas, watching Dateline, and playing on the internet. PAR-TAY!!!!!!Just like going to da club.

TUPAC IS ONE OF THE MOST OVERRATED PEOPLE OF ALL TIME!!!! This song was the coolest song back in the day though.

::running before Suge Knight or Tupac and Biggie's Killer pops a cap in my ass::


Cohabitation vs. Marriage

Me and my husband have lived together for almost as long as we have been together. Nine years. We married only in 2003. After we bought a house, after I graduated from college. I still get mail that comes to our house in my maiden name. When I mention this to people, they inevitably tell me how lucky I am he actually married me. I really don't understand that. I understand it is supposedly a sin to living together and fornicate before marriage. That was my parents spin. That and they believed my husband would never truly marry me since he "already had me". I got wedding magazines for Christmas presents for about 3 or 4 years. A traditional Baptist guilt trip.

To be honest though, there isn't much of a difference between being married to my husband and cohabitation. Now we are considering having kids, but that is the only difference that has changed between then and now. I guess I see the divorce rate in this country and figure that breaking up while cohabitating is less messier than being divorced. Oh and we spent a lot of money on a wedding and honeymoon.

Why does cohabitation have a stigma? Do guys really think they are getting something for free when they live with someone? IS cohabitation insulting for the woman? Is she getting played a fool?



OK I am a dork. It snows like never here in Texas and when it does it only stays for a few hours. When we usually get winter weather it is sleet and frozen rain, which is not as light and fluffy as snow.

Here is my dedication to our annual 30 minutes of winter. These pictures are fresh, taken literally minutes ago.

::note me and my husband's contribution to destroying the environment with the pesticide on the patio table::

OMG I am over 30, let me go off alone to crawl into a hole and die

Seriously, I have nothing to look forward to. Take me to the watershed to die. I am after all getting older. Now that I know that guys don't want older women and that older women are less valued in society, what is the point of working out and eating right? Where the hell is my dulce de leche Haagen Dazs? I swear I am learning more and more every day I can expect to be invisible, unloved, and will be discarded by my husband by age 40, for a younger hotter model. Why do men get to age gracefully and become more attractive, and women just become invisible, fat, and ugly? This would explain why men as old as father time hit on me. Or men who resemble the hunchback of Notre Dame approach me. This so explains the Deuces. Men are under the belief they deserve, the youngest, and hottest of women, whereas women are lucky to get in where they fit in.

"40 is the new 30"

Older, desperate Madonna

It's time to clear up a myth. Regardless of what you see on TV or read in a magazine, 40 is definitely not the new 30. In fact, the average 40-year-old woman today might look worse than the average 40-year-old woman 10 years ago.

I can see why it would be tempting to believe this. Day in and day out we're presented with images of women over 40 who could be 30, or at least 35. I wonder though, if this is a trend of women getting that much better-looking, or our media coming increasingly under the control of typically vain older women.

In fact, it seems like most older women I come across are as disgusting as ever, if not more so. As much as technology has given us, it may indeed be coming back to kill our women's sex appeal. I've identified two main culprits.

Ethered by the sun
There's this chick I work with at the BGM who's a bit younger than I am - maybe like 21. She's pretty dang hot, but you can tell she's going to be one of those white chicks who looks like a lizard by the time she's 30. I don't know if it's fake tanning or the ozone layer, but this seems to be the case more and more often with white chicks these days.

Ethered by McDonalds
Alternately, you tend to see a lot of chicks - both white and black, but especially black - who just can't seem to keep it together past the age of, say, 19. Having kids doesn't help. Neither does going to college. If a chick manages to make it to 25 without pushing maximum density, it's a good sign. But just like with cancer, you're never truly out of the woods.

The thing is, if you're planning on throwing in your lot with some woman for the long haul, it can be difficult, if not impossible to tell what you're going to have 10 or 15 years from now. You see what happened to John Edwards' wife.

Also, did you know his real name, like his actual government name, is Johnny Edwards? And to think, he could've been Vice President.


Deuce Love-Why I Can Never Be Single Again

I am on myspace. I get friend requests often on myspace. I notice a lot of my friend requests come from guys who look like this:

Now you know I love the white men. I make no secret of my preference. I am married, but it would be nice to get myspace requests from guys who look a little less gangsta.

In my past I have dated deuces, dare I say my husband had deuce tendencies (he was rocking FUBU at one point and listening to Bone Thugs N Harmony), but there wasn't much attraction to someone trying to be "black". It was almost kind of insulting. It was like I was their validation into "blackness". Hell per black people at that time I wasn't considered black anyway, I was a fake "white girl" due to how I talked, the music I listened to, just everything about me was supposedly "white". I rarely if ever got approached by more "normal" white guys, unless they were older, i.e. I am 21, and the guy is 30 or older and rid of his hang ups, but he in my mind is too old for me or I felt I couldn't relate to him. Guys my age never approached me it seemed unless they were "down". Even now when I get hit on by white guys, they are usually "down" brothers who now use their biracial child as an active bargaining tool to show me how much they love black women.

Of course in my single life I was rarely if ever approached by men anyway, and when I was it was guys I usually wasn't attracted to. I had to do the hunting with most guys I dated. If they showed an interest, I went for it. My husband is extremely shy, but as soon as I realized he hd a crush on me (his friend ratted him out), I definitely pursued him. I convinced him to ask me out, and the rest is history.


Religion and Dating

I went over to the dating site, and noticed that as per usual when it comes to IR dating sites between BW and WM there is an overwhelming number of BW vs. WM. I am looking at a lot of the profiles, and the BW all tend to be very Christian, whereas the men seem to be a bit more varied in religion. As I have said before I am agnostic, my husband is now an athiest, but when we met I was a Baptist and he was Lutheran (at least I think) religion wasn't a big deal to me. But I notice a lot of the women it is a major concern. Their profiles reflect a big devotion to their religion. Are these women willing to date someone who isn't Christian? Do they shut down a profile if they see Jewish, Athiest, whatever. Is religion a barrier in dating?

I haven't had many serious relationships, I have been with my husband since I was 23, the longest relationship I had before that was two, maybe three months, so obviously not all that serious. Religion never seemed to be a big deal to us, to others it was, when my mom found out my husband was athiest, she didn't like it one bit, she asked me where I found the sinner at. I once when 15 told her I was an athiest, she turned looked at me and calmly said, "No you're not" and continued doing whatever it was she was doing. She was in complete denial. So was I, I will readily admit now I don't know what the hell to believe.

It also appears guys on the site seem to be a bit less passionate about their religion. Does religion seem to matter more to women than men?

Religion is another reason I could never be single, I live in the Bible Belt and saying you are agnostic or atheist is akin to saying you molest kids.

Planned Parenthood-Money for Abortions for Black People????

This video is a double edged sword. I realize these people have an anti-abortion stance, and I am pro-choice. I also realize Planned Parenthood does way more than just abortions, but at the same time, this sickens me, how can you accept money strictly based upon someone's desire to lower the population of black people, and they blatantly tell you that is their purpose. Something doesn't sit well with me about that.

I got this from Angry Black Cat.

Rapper Juvenile's daughter killed in Ga.-How sad

Rapper Juvenile's daughter killed in Ga.

Associated Press writer Leonard Pallats contributed to this report.

By ERRIN HAINES, Associated Press WriterSat Mar 1, 12:19 AM ET

A teenage boy is accused of fatally shooting his mother and her two little girls, one of whom was the 4-year-old daughter of rap star Juvenile.

Anthony Tyrone Terrell Jr., 17, was charged Friday with murder in the deaths at the family home near Lawrenceville, where the bodies were found the night before, said police spokeswoman Illana Spellman.

She identified the victims as Gwinnett County Sheriff's Deputy Joy Deleston, 39, and her two daughters, Micaiah, 11, and Jelani, 4. The motive was still unclear.

Deleston brought a paternity suit in 2004, claiming that the 32-year-old rap star Juvenile, whose real name is Terius Gray, was Jelani's father, Gwinnett County court records show.

Attorney Randy Kessler, who represented Juvenile in the proceedings, said the case was resolved peacefully by consent order in 2006. Both parties agreed Juvenile was the father.

Terrell was taken to jail in neighboring DeKalb County to avoid any potential conflict because Deleston worked for Gwinnett County, Spellman said. He is being held without bail.

Because of his age, prosecutors cannot seek the death penalty against Terrell. A preliminary hearing will be set next week in Gwinnett County Superior Court, said prosecutor Danny Porter.

Defense attorney Lyle Porter did not return a call Friday, and a number was not immediately available for Juvenile or a spokesperson.

Authorities on Friday found the gun used, going by information provided by Terrell. Spellman said she could not confirm whether Deleston's service weapon was used.

Deleston, a seven-year member of the department, had been assigned to the sex offender unit, officials said.

Police had gone to the subdivision because a caller reported shots fired, Officer David Schiralli said earlier. They found a bullet hole in a house, then checked next door because they knew a deputy lived there.

"There was no answer, but lights were on," Schiralli said. "They opened the door a little bit to announce themselves," then discovered the bodies, he said.

The 17-year-old son arrived at the house about 35 minutes later, he said. Spellman said he was arrested after talking to investigators but didn't elaborate.

Neighbors said the family had moved in less than a year ago. They often saw Deleston in her squad car coming home from work and said having a deputy around was reassuring.

Jeff Beaird, who lives across the street, said he often saw Terrell in the driveway shooting hoops with his friends or washing his mother's patrol car but doesn't remember anything out of the ordinary.

"It's so shocking because you don't expect something like this to happen," Beaird said.

Michael Hunt said he was taking a nap before starting work on the night shift Thursday when he heard the news about his neighbors. Hunt recalled that his wife had seen Terrell hours earlier walking down the street carrying a basketball.

"For him to be scared of our dog and then to kill his whole family ... it just doesn't add up," Hunt said.

Juvenile, a rapper based in New Orleans, has been arrested several times on charges ranging from failure to pay child support to resisting an officer in a scuffle at a Florida mall in 1999. Most of the charges have been dismissed.


Associated Press writer Leonard Pallats contributed to this report.