2008-03-15

The Inevitable Baby Question



Being married, I get the inevitable question of when are me and my husband going to start a family. I honestly don't know. I am of the "if it happens, it happens" mindset. I am actually apprehensive about having a child. My reasons are as follows:

1) This sounds really crappy, but I am scared to have a child with autism. My brother, as well as a couple of other relatives have autism, and I have a constant fear of how I am going to outlive him so that he is taken care of until the day he dies. I would go crazy knowing if I had a child with autism, I would not be able to see them throughout their whole entire lives, and I would worry who would take care of them.

2) The most painful thing I ever experienced was a miscarriage. Not just physically, but mentally. I think I still get angry when people ask me questions about the miscarriage. I think people think or assume it was due to something I did. I got asked questions about what caused it from both my mother in law and my husband's grandparents, and I didn't have an answer. Then my mother in law just a few weeks ago, asked me how did I know I had a miscarriage, as isn't just a extra heavy period, since I was still technically only in the 1st trimester. I am about to get graphic, but this is what MY miscarriage was like, you will have to highlight this area to see it because it is gross. No it was not like an extra heavy period. It was like I was completely dilated, having contractions, but nothing coming out except blood and large blood clots nonstop for about 7 hours. There was a question of whether or not I even had ovaries at one point because they were not easily identifiable to the tech who had a probe up my vagina when I was on a table. It did not feel like regular cramps, it did feel like a "heavy" flow on a regular cycle. It was hell.

Mentally I was messed up. I was extremely sad, I was angry. I was mad at my husband because to me it didn't seem he was as hurt as I was. I felt like a failure and that I disappointed every one. I told my husband at that point he should probably leave me if he ever wants kids because I am damaged. I had just gotten used to the concept of having a child when this happened. I had just gotten really happy and scared at the same time. I was shattered and extremely disappointed when it didn't happen. Prior to getting pregnant I wanted a child, but was really indifferent, now I am scared to get pregnant because I don't want to deal with that ever again.

3) Babies are expensive, I can't afford children, they want a lot. Diapers, formula, clothes. What about me and my trip to the spa?

4) I need to get a fertility check up and so does my husband, but we are both lazy, which to me says we aren't all that eager to have kids.

5) Me and my husband are weirdos and will mess up kids.

6) I will go off on a racist tangent making my children members of the Black Panther Party. No not really, but I might be inclined to have them identify as black because I think often times than not biracial children are seen as black by both blacks and whites, and it might be easier for them later on.

Hopefully my guilt for not giving my parents a grandchild will not overwhelm me. I really hope to figure this child thing out in the next couple of years. I don't have much time anymore.