OMG I am over 30, let me go off alone to crawl into a hole and die

Seriously, I have nothing to look forward to. Take me to the watershed to die. I am after all getting older. Now that I know that guys don't want older women and that older women are less valued in society, what is the point of working out and eating right? Where the hell is my dulce de leche Haagen Dazs? I swear I am learning more and more every day I can expect to be invisible, unloved, and will be discarded by my husband by age 40, for a younger hotter model. Why do men get to age gracefully and become more attractive, and women just become invisible, fat, and ugly? This would explain why men as old as father time hit on me. Or men who resemble the hunchback of Notre Dame approach me. This so explains the Deuces. Men are under the belief they deserve, the youngest, and hottest of women, whereas women are lucky to get in where they fit in.

"40 is the new 30"

Older, desperate Madonna

It's time to clear up a myth. Regardless of what you see on TV or read in a magazine, 40 is definitely not the new 30. In fact, the average 40-year-old woman today might look worse than the average 40-year-old woman 10 years ago.

I can see why it would be tempting to believe this. Day in and day out we're presented with images of women over 40 who could be 30, or at least 35. I wonder though, if this is a trend of women getting that much better-looking, or our media coming increasingly under the control of typically vain older women.

In fact, it seems like most older women I come across are as disgusting as ever, if not more so. As much as technology has given us, it may indeed be coming back to kill our women's sex appeal. I've identified two main culprits.

Ethered by the sun
There's this chick I work with at the BGM who's a bit younger than I am - maybe like 21. She's pretty dang hot, but you can tell she's going to be one of those white chicks who looks like a lizard by the time she's 30. I don't know if it's fake tanning or the ozone layer, but this seems to be the case more and more often with white chicks these days.

Ethered by McDonalds
Alternately, you tend to see a lot of chicks - both white and black, but especially black - who just can't seem to keep it together past the age of, say, 19. Having kids doesn't help. Neither does going to college. If a chick manages to make it to 25 without pushing maximum density, it's a good sign. But just like with cancer, you're never truly out of the woods.

The thing is, if you're planning on throwing in your lot with some woman for the long haul, it can be difficult, if not impossible to tell what you're going to have 10 or 15 years from now. You see what happened to John Edwards' wife.

Also, did you know his real name, like his actual government name, is Johnny Edwards? And to think, he could've been Vice President.