2008-03-21

Preference vs. Fetish

Fetish

Main Entry:
fe·tish
also fe·tich
Function:
noun
Etymology:
French & Portuguese; French fétiche, from Portuguese feitiço, from feitiço artificial, false, from Latin facticius factitious
Date:
1613
an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression

vs.


Preference

Main Entry:
pref·er·ence
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English preferraunce, from Middle French preferance, from Medieval Latin praeferentia, from Latin praeferent-, praeferens, present participle of praeferre
Date:
15th century
the power or opportunity of choosing

I would like to think that my attraction to my husband was a preference. I prefer white men, but I can find other races of men attractive as well. I don't know what it is, but I like guys with pale skin and blue or green eyes. I don't know what caused me to have this particular preference. I assume it was my surroundings growing up. I don't think it is due to self hatred. I've never myself needed color contacts or felt insecure about having brown eyes. I in fact look weird with color contacts, my husband freaked out. Ironically he loves brown eyes.

I also think my husband has a preference. He likes darker skinned women. I don't know if he has ever really dated a white woman before though, I never asked. I know that before we dated he dated black, asian, and hispanic women. I have seen him acknowledge the beauty of a white woman or two. I think he can find white women attractive, but I don't think that he has ever actively pursued the white women he was attracted to.

It seems a lot of black women have fear of the white men who posess a fetish. It is true there are quite a few white males who have a sexual fetish towards black women. Those men view black women as an object rather than as a potential mate. That they want to experiment sexually with a black woman. I don't know if the reason black women are looked upon as fetish is due to natural inclination or the sexuality of black women in the media (music video, men's magazines). I just know I have been approached by men who have asked me to dance for them in a non strip club setting, or have asked me if I wanted to "taste some vanilla" as they wanted to "try out some chocolate" I haven't ever thought to partake in these offers and requests, and usually these guys make their intentions known right from the get go. They want sex, nothing more nothing less.

I will admit though both my husband and I have fetish tendencies. I will admit there have been a few times I have compared skin color when holding his hand. Sometimes it is just out of realization that yes he is very white compared to me being very dark. I don't always think of myself in IR, I think of myself in a relationship. I also go gaga over a pair of green or blue eyes. I have been known to buy my husband clothing that brings out the green in his eyes or make it look like his eyes are more yellow. Yeah he has the weird yellowish/greenish looking eyes depending upon the particular day or whatever he is wearing. He thinks it is weird I pick clothing based upon his eye color. I will also admit that if I was ever to end the relationship with my husband, I would probably date and have a relationship with another white guy. Will it be another white guy who is tall with dark hair and green eyes? Who knows? But my preference is for white men. I am just more attracted to white men on average than black, hispanic, or asian. But I never say never, I would never say I could never date or get into a relationship with asian, hispanic, or black men. I have dated hispanic and black men with beautiful brown eyes, perfect skin, and who were just gorgeous, but beyond the physical, we just didn't click. Gorgeous comes in every race.

My husband I think is the same way. He prefers brown eyes to blue, green, or hazel. He loves my dark curly hair. He openly admits he likes it when I wear the color white, he likes the contrast against my skin. He loves my big booty. But I don't think he would be with me for the sake of being with a black woman, if that were the case he could have been with any of the women before me. Or an asian or hispanic woman. He has never displayed disgust towards white women. He has even acknowledged white women he felt were attractive, but he prefers black women, at least his dating history suggests this. If he were ever to leave me, I think his next mate would be a non-white woman. Maybe not a black woman, but probably someone with dark hair, brown eyes. More than likely someone that is hispanic, or indian (asian) as he loves long dark hair.

I personally think those who have a fetish where this fetish on their sleeve, they don't want a relationship, they want to objectify and they want sex nothing more, whereas a person with a preference wants beyond the physical and is willing to hold out for more than just sex when it comes to dating partners,and they actually want a relationship vs. a one night stand. They don't hide their preference, where as someone with a fetish is more apt to hide their fetish from family and friends. For them it is a sense of shame of not being able to "help themselves" to the objects or people they seek sexual gratification from.

I think many times in IR relationships between black women and white men, black women have been taught that white men could only want them for sex, and I think this causes black women to dismiss white men as nothing more than fetish freaks, using them for sex and nothing more. White men sometimes get a bad rap, and we need to figure out that any man, regardless of race can objectify you or treat you as a fetish. Not just for race, but for other attributes. Your chest, your booty, your legs. The difference is knowing how to look out for guys who just want you for sex, rather than something more.