2008-04-11

I Have A Man, So I Don't Want You To Have One?

Does that comment make any sense to you? If I have a man, why would I be concerned whether or not you have a man? This accusation has been thrown at me more times than I can count by some women. They are upset I don't like or enjoy black male bashing. I don't know maybe it is because my father, who I adore is a black man, or maybe because I have two brothers who are black men. Maybe because one day I might have a son, and he will be perceived as a black man, and it would be crappy to hold resentment towards him due to SOME trifling ass black men who exist.

My whole hate mongering is targeted towards those angry that I am, and will defend black men when people lump them together and stereotype them. Hell, I do that when people do that for other races, I even call myself out on it. I call out black men who talk negatively about black women, but on my blog, as well as many IR blogs that deal with BW and WM there isn't much of a black male presence on those blogs. If some black men choose to bash black women, it isn't acceptable and you should call those folks out when you do see it happen. Stereotyping is bad, it shouldn't be accepted, and it doesn't really help anyone's cause to be angry and upset at a whole group of men, especially if you are in the process of a relationship.

Me being angry with black men or white women will not help my relationship with my white husband, if I had come to him when we started dating, talking about how horrible black men are, and complaining incessantly about the evils of white women, I am sure he would have run for the hills. I should like him for him, not because of his whiteness. Coming off as bitter and angry isn't an endearing trait for men or women. Dating someone as a way to get back at someone else isn't a healthy way to start a relationship. Yes, I am attracted to white men, but I am not just going to take any white man. If a white man approaches me in a vulgar manner, I am not going to throw my panties off and get on my back for his pleasure. I don't want to be referred to as sexual chocolate or round n brown booty by men I don't know. If that is the only way I can get a white man, I don't think I would want one.

I really don't understand why people don't comprehend this? I am not trying to keep other black women from having a white man. If that is what you want, go for it. But evaluate yourself, I know many other bloggers have said this, in particular Roslyn, before you try to enter into a relationship, you need to look at yourself to see what you can do to ensure a positive relationship, and if in your mind bashing a black man or ANY MAN is going to help you do this, I hate to say it, but whatever relationship you enter into, will fail. Focus on your positives, and avoid your past mistakes. If you have a tendency to date unemployed men, with multiple children, and a propensity to cheat, you need to sit back and ask yourself why you were attracted to that? If that is the type of men that approaches you over and over again, remove yourself from the situation. Try meeting men elsewhere, shoot down those men, go to a library, a church, a restaurant, bookstore, and try your luck there. For some reason this strategy has been met with resistance.

Is self reflection bad? I can honestly say before I was with my husband I decided I was no longer going to date guys. I was dating some losers, and yes they were white, but I needed to figure out what the hell I was doing, and my epiphany came when I realized I was chasing pretty boys. I was so enamored with their good looks, they could have been complete assholes and I would bend over backwards for them. So I decided I would take things slow and be more open to guys I might not normally be attracted to, not ugly guys, I have my limits, but guys who might not dress how I like guys to dress, guys with different interests than me, guys who might not be so forward in expressing their attraction. Guys that were outside the ideal. Guys with six packs,wearing the latest and greatest are cute, but if they have nothing else going on, I can't work with them. I chose that for myself, maybe you like boys with six packs and are willing to compromise on personality, I decided I wanted personality more than a six pack, and I realized six packs don't always last forever, and that a good man is a good man.

People ask me if black men are so great, why aren't you with one? I am not with one because I love my husband, and my husband loves me. I am attracted to white guys for the most part, and those are the majority of men that have approached me in the past. I don't have to hate black men to love white men.

In terms of uplifting black woman, as it has been said I am here to tear down and belittle black women who want to date IR, I am all for uplifting black women and for black women dating IR, hello I dated and married IR, but let's be honest, if you talk crazy, I am going to call you out. That is how I am wired, ask my husband, he gets it too. I will openly say black women get the raw end of the deal in the black community, because we are trying to right the wrongs of black men from the past, we have disregarded black women for the most part, and we tend to forget that black women were wronged as well. We tolerate too much BS. We can be raped, murdered, molested, and people (black or any race) don't tend to care. But referring to black women as Mammy's, referring to overweight black women as a hinderance to IR, being concerned about how black women are presented on a blog, or lying on black women who don't agree with your stance, will not help uplift black women. Many who claim to do this, they aren't uplifting black women, they are bashing them, and many of these women are so used to being bashed, they don't even see it. Things were made clear to me, when I went to a blog and was bashed and lied upon and all those black women wanting to uplift could do nothing, but join in on the bashing and laughing. That or seeing a woman get attacked for defending white women because some of her best friends were white women and being told they would be scared to have her on their side if a "race war" ever came up. Black women empowerment at it's best.