2008-07-16

How Did You Get Your Man?




I get this question a lot via email. The answer is I really don't know. I lucked out. I ended up with a really smart, nice guy, who is patient with me, and does well for himself. I guess I will just tell you how I got the one guy I married.

My husband is my first real adult relationship. I had dated guys for a couple of months at a time, but this guy was the first guy I really dated, and he is one of the few men who have actually professed their love for me. He is my only long term relationship. He is the only man I have lived with.

With that disclaimer. Here goes.

My husband had a crush on me, he is shy. I am not. I pursued him. I put myself out there to get shot down. It worked out. I am the more aggressive person in the relationship. He and I started talking, we talked about going out on a date. I actually scheduled the date, and was very persistent. My husband actually cancelled our first date, he didn't have enough money. I offered to pay, he refused, we scheduled at his next scheduled pay period. I know s a black woman, especially one who dates IR, nice white men don't knock down my door to ask me out. You find one who likes you, you go for it.

Speaking of pay, I wasn't bothered he was only making $13/hour. It didn't bother me he was not banking six figures because I knew he was really smart, and he had just started in his career. He was also in college. He is now an IT consultant, that job taught him how to be good at his current job. IT consultants make more than $13 per hour. I figure as long as a guy makes an effort and he isn't just sitting on his ass, it should work out great. Also note our first date was at a Cheddar's, which is about on par with a Chili's or Friday's. I knew not to expect five star dining or that we would be hanging out at only upscale establishments. Maybe because I am not too much into status, money doesn't bother me, as long as you can live comfortably, it is all good. I am not about going out on a date at the soup kitchen (unless it is a cutesy, let's volunteer to help the homeless kind of thing), but I don't need anything too fancy.

Even though we have absolutely nothing in common and he isn't necessarily someone I would hang out with as a friend, doesn't mean he doesn't make a great friend and husband. Music, clothes, lifestyle, ideals, you name it, we have nothing in common. Even though we have nothing in common, he is a really sweet guy. He is very patient with me, and he says sorry, even when he shouldn't to keep the peace. He is a saint, and we manage. It gets a bit frustrating at times that we have to compromise on doing things, but for the most part it works out.....at least I think :) I guess I am saying, keep your options open.

OK I know I look just like a supermodel and should expect the same, but regular guys who aren't pretty boys make for great partners. Pretty boys are what I dated before I met my husband. We could go shopping together, they could be complete jerks, and they weren't open to monogamy because they had options. My husband although very cute is more of a guy's guy. He shaves and cuts his hair because I make him. He isn't into fashion or status, and I have to encourage him to clip his toe nails. Even though it can get on your nerves to follow after a man about his hygiene, at least I know where he is every night, he is with me, he isn't on the prowl, and he is overall not into looking for women. I have dated pretty boys, pretty boys have too many options, and they get a bit wrapped up in expanding their options, which isn't good for long term relationships. I can overlook my husband's flaws, as he was able to overlook my flaws, and I have several. Commitment isn't a bad thing to regular guys, to many pretty boys, commitment is on par with death. When I quit dating pretty boys, I received commitment. Coincidence? I think not.

In terms of commitment, a great test to prove how committed a guy can be, tell him about three months into the relationship, very nonchalantly that he is going to marry you. If he doesn't run, he will actually marry you. Trust me on this, I know.

Another thing, hold out on sex. Don't sex up men on the first date. Guys want girls who are willing to wait. One night stands have sex on the first date. Girlfriends date before they mate. Let me embarrass myself by saying my husband was the one who wanted to wait. I was the fast ass hussy trying to hook up. I didn't know how the grown folks dating game worked. I know I am a hoochie.

Anyway that is how I got my man. The timing was good we hooked up, and got married. I hope this helps. This is not the rules of dating, but rather guidelines, there is no one way to "get a man"