2008-10-28

The Daddy's Girl Conundrum


I am a daddy's girl. Always have been, always will be.I live literally 15 minutes from my parents, and it isn't odd for me to talk to them on a daily basis. There are times I talk to my father on the phone for hours at a time. Since they got my new brother and sister, I see them often, as on the weekends I take the kids to do things to give them a bit of a break (I know it seems like I live on the internet, but I do occasionally leave my home, shocking I know).

My husband isn't as close to his family as I am to mine, so it is a bit strange to him. Most the time he sits out the weekend visits, and so I usually go over there by myself. Sometimes I go to lunch with my father. Sometimes I act as his technical support in regards to PowerPoint and ITunes. Sometimes my father offers to do things for us, like change the battery in my car, or let's us borrow his tools, and sometimes he tries to get me things. This is a double edged sword, because even though my father means no harm, it kind of rubs my husband the wrong way.

A few weeks ago, we had a running toilet. I decided to take matters into my own hands and go to the store to buy a new fill valve and flapper. I then decide to fix the toilet myself. My husband offers to help, I tell him no, and then he goes into his office to play on his computer. I go get my pliers to unscrew the old fill valve, and it doesn't budge. I get a few different pliers, none work, so I call my father, as I know he owns some vise grips, and vise grips are needed in a situation like this. Instead of my father allowing me to come over to pick up the vise grips, he just says he will be over in 15 minutes. I don't think anything of it, I figure he wants to get out of the house for a bit and my place is the perfect place to do so. Sometimes being close to 60 and having an 11 and 9 year old arguing in his ear overwhelms him LOL. My husband gets mad when he realizes my father is coming over, and demands me to call him to tell him not come over, not understanding that I called him, not so he could fix the problem, but to borrow a tool. I try to explain this to him, but he gets a bit upset, saying I shouldn't have to call my father to do that, that I should instead ask for his help. I then get mad and ask why he didn't bother to attempt to fix the toilet that had been running for over a week. He claims it is because we didn't get the valve and flapper until now, which makes me angry because it isn't like he couldn't go to the store and get the valve and flapper himself, but instead he waited for me to do it. I so digressed on this.

He comes in, goes straight to the toilet, uses the vise grips to remove the old fill valve and then puts in the new fill valve and flapper in a matter of ten minutes. I thank my father, and he leaves, and gives me the vise grips he bought over because he has another pair. My husband then tells me it upsets him when I call my father to do things, he doesn't want him to think I am not taken care of. Which my father has never ever hinted to me he doesn't feel I am taken care of. I sometimes think my father likes my husband more than me, as every time I come over alone, he asks why my husband doesn't come with me. My father has never uttered a negative word to my about my husband, and I think he likes him a lot, and anyone who could put up with me deserves the utmost respect.

I sometimes think my husband is intimidated by my father because he does give me a lot. I talk about going on vacation somewhere, my father has offered to help pay for a trip (no we didn't take it), he has bought me things I wanted if I mentioned I wanted them, like a digital camera. Today I got an offer for a blackberry I had been eyeing, but too cheap and unwillingly to extend my mobile contract on. To be honest, back in the day, I just used to ask for stuff, because I knew my father would attempt to get it. My mother about the time I turned 16 and started asking for cars, nipped the "Daddy can I?" issues I had. I asked for a new car, and my mother would get one, and I would get her old car (not that I am complaining).

I am still learning how not to rely on my father and myself, and I think that is a big issue for him. He gets mad when I attempt to change the oil in my car, wash my car myself, or change a tire. He gets mad if I attempt to mow the lawn and cut the shrubs. My parents, even though they spoiled me, did teach me how to rely on myself for some things, and then for the other things I always had my father. I don't think my husband ever had that, and I guess he sees it as a bad thing if I mow the lawn or wash the car, because he doesn't, and instead would prefer to pay a service to do those things.

I think my husband loves the idea of me relying on him, which I do a lot. He is currently our main source of income, so I am pretty much dependent upon him financially. He was one who supported my decision to go back to school the first time, and he is very much into the "nuclear" concept of family, whereas I am not so much. He doesn't understand why I talk to many of my cousins on the phone or why I go to so many family get togethers. He thinks I am crazy for thinking my brother(he has autism) will live with us one day, but I think it is perfectly normal. He feels he can take care of himself (which he can for the most part), but in reality, I don't really know because he has never really had to, and he is now 25.

He wants it more just him and me, which it is for the most part, but since the new brother and sister arrived, I have been more active in my family as I love them to death, and I enjoy spending time with them, and I think my parents need a break on occasion. They didn't necessarily plan to have two elementary aged kids at this point in their life, and I know it is hard for them to adjust.

I will admit my father is one to jump in head first without asking questions when it comes to me. My question, how do I stop him, he is my father, and how do I make sure my husband doesn't think my father doesn't think he takes care of me? When do I just take care of my own damn self, since I am a grown ass woman?