2008-10-10

How I Know My Husband Truly Never Had A Father


My husband has a complex relationship with his biological father, his former step father, and his current step father. His biological father was not around for years, and he opted his parents (my husband's paternal grandparents) to step in and help in the child rearing instead. His former step father he isn't a fan of at all, but he is constantly exposed to during times of family gatherings because his brothers were/are his biological children. His current step father is a very complex man. He is a man who absolutely does not want children, but married a woman with three kids, all of whom were under the age of 18 when they married. This one tolerated my husband due to the fact he was a teen and would move out (kicked out) at 17, as the other two boys would live with their father. They did until age 13, and decided they wanted to live with their mother full time. He also has to deal with the many complex issues of my mother in law, which I shared at one time overnight in a blog entry I promptly took down after reconsidering. She has too many DEEP issues to share here. As a result of these issues his current step father uses him as a confidant in regards to their marriage, which honestly you shouldn't do to your kid. My parents have never shared any of their issues with me, and I love them more for it. I like to pretend all 35 years of marriage are awesome and flawless.

With this brief back history it explains all of his father/son relationships. My husband never mowed a lawn growing up and he doesn't now. He never learned how to fix things around the house, or learned how to change his own oil. He never played catch or participated in sports as a child. We have been together nine years, and in this house for five years. He has never learned to trim the bushes in the front yard, never trimmed a tree, and has mowed the lawn exactly one time. He doesn't know the difference between Bermuda or St. Augustine grass, and he knows nothing about spreading seed in a yard. If our fence gets broken I fix it. If the toilet is constantly running, I am the one who replaces the or fixes the flush valve or tank ball. He always thinks to call a plumber for $5.00 repairs. He is scared to death of rewiring the garage door opener on the wall. He opts for a lawn service and has no plans to learn how to care for a lawn. It embarrasses him if I attempt to do my own oil changes, so he encourages me to waste money on going to the oil change place so they can pretend my air filter needs to be replaced.

He had never been fishing until we went with my family to our cabin. No one had even taken him, not his father or step fathers. No one ever played catch with him as a child, and he never went camping, or anything else. A result of this the idea of hiking is crazy and pointless, running is for treadmills only, biking takes place on stationary bikes at gyms, and there is no point of appreciating the outdoors or fishing, or any other activity. He never did any outdoor activities as a kid, not even play outside with other kids, but rather played video games, day in and day out, and a life of entertainment being shopping at a mall, going to the movies, or going out to eat. Anything else is foreign to him. He tricked me early in the relationship by going to a park with me to go hiking. We haven't done that since and that was nine years ago. Before I was attached hiking was a norm in my life, and biking was a growing hobby (even though I swear I will never been the cyclist holding up traffic by riding on the service road of a major highway, I just don't get that, I am more of a trail or mountain bike kind of person).

Another way I knew he never had a dad. My husband learned how to tie a tie from his best friend when he was a teenager. It was part of their uniform at work, and he had no clue how to do it, he never had to until then.

The most obvious proof he never really had a father is the fact that in his mind, a mother is way more important than a father. I vehemently disagree. He feels fathers are secondary and are not needed in raising children the majority of the time. I feel the complete opposite. I feel they are equals to the mother, and only in some cases not having a father is beneficial, and that is based on individual cases of individual fathers. I find fathers are just as important.I find that the lack of fathers in the black community has led to the decline of the community. I find that I couldn't live my life without my father, and he has been influential in the type of relationships I wanted or desired when I was single. My father is truly one of my best friends, even though he is grouchy and bossy, he is an awesome person, and I can't fathom the idea of life without him. I talk to both my mother and father multiple times a week. I probably see them once on a week on average. I literally live ten minutes from them. Both my parents are equally important, and I think my father was so active in my life because he didn't have his father in his life.

I do think my husband will make a good father, but it worries me that he feels that child rearing is more of a woman issue, than a man issue.

I have discussed with my husband my concerns of how important a father is, but he dismisses it. He knows he came out ok, but I don't think he realizes the influence this has had on different aspects of his life. I love my husband, but I see why having a father is important in every child's life by looking at how he perceives the world.