2008-10-03

The Rules of Marital Sex


When you are single, sex is some magical, magical thing, but when you stay in a committed relationship for any period of time, it loses is magic, and this is what happens. I might come off as a hoochie, but I am married, and I can say I have sex and not be stoned for being a harlot.

1. Making out is no longer for the sake of making out, it is purely for sex in the mind of the man. I used to be a make out bandit, but now if I make out, I better be prepared to take it to the next step or there will be hell to pay.

2. When you first start to consummate the relationship, in his eyes you wear nothing but Victoria's Secret undies and own half the lingerie from Fredericks of Hollywood, because that is all you wear, as you are trying to impress him. Now he expects to see cotton grandma panties, and gets excited if you wear bikini cut cotton Hanes, the stuff you wear when you aren't trying to impress a man. Lingerie is for special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays.

3. On that note, realize that if you do wear pretty underwear or lingerie and they see it, you better be prepared to perform, as they know that is your "sexy" lingerie, and never think that maybe, just maybe, you wanted to have a change of pace, or more realistically for me, needed to do laundry really, really badly.

4. Men don't like substitutes. During certain times of the month, if you are unable to perform your wifely duties (hint, hint), and you offer other alternatives, your man will usually get a sad look on his face, and ask "What's the point? That isn't what I want."

5. Men learn to overlook the two day stubble on your legs, as long as you are willing and able, they are too.

6. Sometimes you wake up the next morning and realize, you and your husband had relations while you were asleep. You don't feel violated, you don't get upset, because you realize, he was asleep too, and things just happen sometimes.

7. Foreplay is completely optional and not necessary.

8. It is ok to watch TV while being "occupied", and no I am not talking about watching porn, but rather C-Span.

9. Those heels you used to wear at his request no longer get worn, unless they go with your outfit you are wearing for the day, there is no need to be uncomfortable to accommodate aesthetics, he will be ok with it either or.

10. Men get to the point where they actually prefer you to wear underwear or lingerie when you get ready to do the deed, as they are used to seeing your naked body, and like the whole concept of "leaving stuff to the imagination", yes it will eventually come off, but they like to open the package themselves.

These rules might change if you have kids, but if it is just you and him, this is probably how it will go.