2009-02-14

Sleeping With Your Colonizer: When Love Takes You Into the Arms of the (White) Man



Emeritus provided me with a link to this article at Clutch Magazine. It was a great article, but a bit frustrating. The comments even more so.

I guess my biggest beef with the article was the fact she made it seem she finally "settled" for a white man, because back men couldn't commit. I would hate for my husband to think he was a last resort because I couldn't find a black man. That is just kind of insulting and degrading to my relationship. Someone in the comments made it seem that IR relationships are not genuine because the goal for most women in these relationships is simply to get married and have the status of being married. As if love doesn't fit into the equation.

I guess what bothered me more was a lot of the comments on both sides of the issue. You had the black man who acknowledged his approval of IR, but felt the need to inevitably talk about how black women react to his white dates, and it seems whenever a black woman explains her experiences about IR, a black man is there to talk about the nastiness of black women, as if all black women are sitting around hating black men and white women relationships. Another thing that bothered me was people talking about the history of racism, as if those of us in IR have forgotten all things about racism. Colorism was addressed in the comments, but dismissed by the majority of self identified black men in the comments. There was also a need to blame the problems of black relationships and the black community on black woman. In the article, the writer talks about how parents and their divorce and how the family felt abandoned by the father emotionally and financially. A commenter indicated it was the fault of the woman for choosing the wrong man. People divorce all the time, and last time I checked it wasn't always the woman's fault. Not to mention this wasn't a one night stand, the couple was married, raised a family, and when the father left, he just left, it wasn't like these people weren't married and barely knew each other, this was an actual marriage with multiple children. What shocks me the most about the "blame black women" mentality is that both black men and black women subscribe to this belief. It is frustrating to me.

Overall I feel there is still this stigma and a whole bunch of stereotypes that abound in regards to relationships between black women and white men, and even though some of us are in those relationships we fall for these stereotypes hook, line, and sinker.