2009-07-28

Dealing With Family



Often times, it used to irk me when an older white man would approach me in my single days, wanting to relive the relationship with the black woman he missed out on in his younger days for fear of his family and how they would react.

I also get emails in which black women will ask for my advice about dating a white guy whose family objects to the relationship, threatening to disown the man or harm the woman in question in the relationship.

My response to this in the past and remains to be, too bad, so sad, but if you were too chicken or too scared of your family, then maybe you aren't ready for a serious relationship, maybe you should stick to one night stands. Risk is something people regardless of race have to deal with in a relationship. You risk a lot to stick with one person the rest of your life. That is part of being in a relationship.

I had a former co-worker who had a similar situation. She dated her boyfriend for literally a decade and had never met his father, and her boyfriend had never told his own father that his girlfriend was black. He was scared how he would react since he had sympathies with the KKK. Get the hell over it. If your daddy in a whole different state has that much power over you, and you are in your 40s, you have other issues and need to avoid dating anyone until your issues are resolved. This man was had been with a woman, moved the woman and her children into his home, but she was still a dirty little secret. I'm not good at keeping secrets, daddy would have known about me. If you have a job, a house, and can pay your own bills, why are you worried about getting written out of the will? If you are a productive member of society and don't live off of them, why the hell does it concern anyone who you date?

One unique challenge to an interracial relationship is that there is a chance your family might not be happy. Often times folks assume that it is the white folks who will get the hassles from their family, this isn't always the case, but it really doesn't matter. If you are prepared to be in a relationship with someone, then you are willing to take the risk your family might not like it, and it does no good for you to keep a "dirty little secret". It also does no good for an old man to recapture his youth by trying to find him a young black woman to replace her, because that black woman you missed out on has aged just like you, and maybe she is still single and you should go for her and leave the young women alone, unless they like divorced men their father's age and like the concept of having step children the same age as them.