Buying Black

Is this racist? This couple has attempted to shop black for a year. Some say it is racist, but is it really. How many times do whites, blacks, and other races shop white exclusively and just not know it. How many times have you met a person who won't shop in "certain area of towns", which usually mean "ethnic"? How many times have you heard the stereotypes that most black businesses are too high, have bad customer service, and are low class.

In terms of myself, I don't shop exclusively black, but I will say that I in terms of my hair care products, I usually go to black owned companies to buy my stuff. I did this after learning about the exclusion of other races from the Korean dominated black beauty supply industry. I was in awe that black people could and would be excluded from a business which the primary demographic is black women, and I decided to support black businesses, whose primary demographic were for people of color with "ethnic" hair textures, as most big companies who do tend to have "ethnic" hair care products tend to have products that focus on straightening ethnic hair, not managing or styling the hair in a natural state, and since I am a natural head, I really don't need a relaxer or the products that go with it.

So is supporting a black business racist? Do you think white folks could or would support a black business in a black part of town?

Racist Jokes


R.I.P. Bea Arthur

If you watch long enough you will see Blanche Devereaux and Mr. Drummond.

Don't laugh, but I own four seasons of this show on DVD. It is one of my all time favorite shows.


Rippa and Professor Tracy have both been nice enough to think my blog is award worthy.  Being the lazy blogger that  I have been recently, I am combining my awards into one compact blog post.  Rippa used Silky Johnston as the award presenter, and if you can get Silky Johnston to present you an award you feel kind of special. 

So I in turn get to present two awards to some fellow bloggers:

Kristin: She already received props, but I am giving some more.  She is a great resource on current events, politics, and of course race relations. Her current post is just awesome.  It is good to know some fellow Dallas folks out there.  

Shawn P. Williams:  A local activist that gets me motivated and keeps me informed.  This man is also the pulse of my old stomping grounds Paris, TX.  

Mirror On America:  Another place I can get informed and learn what is going on in the world.  Sometimes I sleep in too late to catch "Meet The Press", over here, they got my back.  

The Mustard Seed:  I've awarded him once before, I am doing it again. The blog is amazing and this dude is smart, like Jeopardy smart.

Names4Things:  This blog is awesome.  This blog is the devil's advocate blog for me.  Genius. Always taking it where people don't think to go.  

Pages From My Notebook:  He always keeps it real and keeps things in perspective. I like reading his views on race and racism in America. The comments are even more interesting as many come from real life friends and I like that he is so open with his life to complete strangers as well as friends. My momma doesn't even know I have a blog. 

Restructure: The blog is a no hold barred conversation about racism. I love it, it is brutal and honest, but sometimes cruel.  Even so, it is truth, and a truth many people of color can share.

Stuff White People Do:  This blog is truth as well, but from a white antiracist perspective. I appreciate this blog and it always makes me think.

Black African Woman:  You know I couldn't forget a fellow villager.  Grata keeps my world global. She always has some interesting stories that main stream media rarely if ever covers. Her insight is wonderful.

Honorable mentions: Field Negro, Ugly Black John, The Sowing CircleTalulaZoeApple, Unnecessary Noize

The details of these awards:


Criteria for receiving this award:

1. The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervades amongst different cultures and beliefs.

2. The Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage and offers solutions.

3. There is a clear purpose at the Blog; one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Culture and Sciences and Beliefs.

4. The Blog is refreshing and creative.

5. The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking.


The Blogger who receives this award will need to perform the following steps:

Create a Post with a mention and link to the person who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award.

The Award Conditions must be displayed at the Post.

Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved – preferably citing one or more older post to support.

The Blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award in concurrence with the Award conditions.



For accepting The Splash award, the rules are:

* Put the logo on your blog post.
* Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.
* Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
* Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.
* Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award


The Fear of Minority Rule

“I’ve gotten to be a terrible pessimist about things. Have you read The Rise of the Colored Empires by this man Goddard?” They hadn’t. “Well, it’s a fine book, and everybody ought to read it. The idea is if we don’t look out the white race will be—will be utterly submerged. It’s all scientific stuff; it’s been proved.”

Tom Buchanan, The Great Gatsby

“Colored migration is a universal peril, menacing every part of the white world.”

Louis Stoddard, The Rising Tide of Color Against White World-Supremacy

"Today, largely because of immigration, there is no majority race in Hawaii or Houston or New York City. Within five years, there will be no majority race in our largest state, California. In a little more than 50 years, there will be no majority race in the United States. No other nation in history has gone through demographic change of this magnitude in so short a time ... [These immigrants] are energizing our culture and broadening our vision of the world. They are renewing our most basic values and reminding us all of what it truly means to be American."

Bill Clinton

“Mr. Clinton assured us that it will be a better America when we are all minorities and realize true ‘diversity.’ Well, those students [at Portland State] are going to find out, for they will spend their golden years in a Third World America.”

-Pat Buchanan, Death of the West

For the last decade, at least here in Texas there is often discussion of Latinos becoming the majority population here in Texas. For black folks we don't fear it so much, we are already a minority. Not to mention, for once the Latino population takes away the venom and hatred white folks have against blacks, mad that we dont "get over slavery", and sit around complaining, as if that is the only issue we have to be mad about. Like Jim Crow and systematic racism we were supposed to be ok with and continue to be ok with. I digress. Sorry. Also blacks and whites in Texas can usually bond together through racism to say why they don't like hispanics or as we here in Texas call them, Mexicans. It doesn't matter what part of the world you are from hispanic = Mexican.

I realized for white folks it might be a whole different perspective. I often hear about how in Texas whites are becoming a minority and the first thing out of many a white Texan's mouth is per this woman on twitter:

Now that I'm a minority in Texas, where's my scholarship and grants?

Yes, Jenniferscott25, all us negroes and minorities (excluding asians, as they are all hard working and exempt from affirmative action hiring practices in the minds of most) get free stuff. I didn't take out a loan to pay for my college, I also got in with a 1.50 GPA from my high school, they just let us get into any college of our choice, regardless of our GPA. FYI Jennifer, we don't have race based admissions in Texas universities anymore, but now whites like you are pissy because Todd can't be a legacy at UT (hook 'em horns!!!) because his GPA wasn't as high as it should have been to get in. Seriously, and again: Hook 'Em Horns!!!!!!

This is typical in Texas, which is why I get frustrated often with white people. I think often times than not many whites think that blacks and other minorities get things handed to them, not ever thinking once, that they get privileges I could never be privy to, and just because they aren't "on the books", doesn't mean they don't exist and aren't exploited and abused at the detriment of others.

I think there is always a fear if the unknown. Once a few years back, me and the husband were talking about race, and I was rallying against the white power structure as per usual, and he responded with, if blacks were ruling, they would do the same things whites do and did. I then proceeded to curse him out and get silent on him, thinking that is the most racist thing he has ever said to me. I still think it is. The assumption is if whites lose their power, minorities, blacks in particular set out the revenge on whites. Call this racist, but my mother once said that blacks could never get to the level of cruel that whites did to us in America. We could never treat them as livestock, we couldn't rape them and then sell the offspring to someone else to further exploit, we couldn't see them as less intelligent, ignorant, and "beneath us". I think to an extent this is true. Not the cruel part, but the fact that if a minority "rule" was ever to take place we simply couldn't do that because of the existing history as it stands now. The white power structure is in place, and the stays in the minds of people. Even if the white majority were to go away, no one is going to question white people's intelligence as a group because the level of intelligence is based upon the white power structure. Minorities use these very tests to determine our own intelligence. No one is going to equate them with being a cow, chicken, or donkey, because we know that to not be the case. Even with more minorities in the country, overwhelmingly white people have positions of power, be it political, corporate, and financial. Whites run it, they have the money, they have the power. They are at an advantage. Am I saying all white folks are rich and in power. No. What I do believe is that those in power, they continue to relate and put people in power who look like themselves, which means if they hold power now, they will continue to hold power.

This assumption also proves to me that whites are more aware of their privilege than most let on. They pretend it doesn't exist, but yet when threatened by an increase in a population of minorities, they fear losing it.

Another thing that is telling, is that even though it is said whites are becoming a minority. It is never said who they are becoming a minority to. Yes whites can make up less than half of a cities population, but just because minorities make over half of that population, it doesn't mean that there are all from the same group.

When we look at minorities we could be looking at asians, hispanics, blacks, and this brings up another question, are biracial people part of the this "minority", even if they are half white? Contrary to popular belief, not all us minorities get along. I think the worst racism I experienced came from hispanics, I know they don't like black people. I know asians tend not to like us either, I can't see either group aligning themselves with the "weak race that became slaves". Remember Vicente Fox's appeal to business leaders:

There is no doubt that Mexicans, filled with dignity, willingness and ability to work, are doing jobs that not even blacks want to do there in the United States.

Yes because all us blacks do low level jobs. Oh wait, I forgot we were all poor and not willing to work, instead preferring welfare. My bad Vicente Fox. I again and as per usual, digress.

I will also be quick to mention many times blacks don't want to align themselves with those who took advantage of our struggle to even come to this country and then try to look down upon us. Asian, hispanic, hell even non American blacks. We minorities aren't even cohesive within our own groups. Call a Cuban a Mexican or a Mexican a Guatemalan. Call a Korean person Chinese, and a Chinese person Japanese. Even within groups people stereotype and dislike each other.

I just think that most of the headlines of "Whites becoming the minority" is a fear tactic, that works really well, even to the most "progressive" of whites. Yes the number of whites are dwindling in certain areas, but it does not mean the group of minorities will collectively come together to get their revenge upon whites or even take away the white power structure, which continues to be more powerful than all the minorities put together.


Matthew McConaughey and his "love" of the black woman.

At the request of Dani, I am doing a post on the comments made about black women by Matthew McConaughey during an interview with Elle Magazine. I will say that because I have always had a crush on him, and think the man is hotness, even in a dirty, naked, pot smoking, bongo drums kind of way, this post might be a bit biased. I will also say, due to my feminazi ways, I hate Elle magazine and everything it stands for. It is vapid, empty, and subscribes to beauty ideals not realistic in society. Read Bitch, you will feel much better. Plus the name is so much classier than "Elle", ok it isn't, but it is a great magazine. Here is what Matthew said (Yeah I am on a first name basis with him, we are tight like that......NOT):

ELLE: Any woman you can think of who might not be coverworthy, but whom you find attractive?

MM: Not so specifically, but yeah. And I see it more with black women, who get dressed up and they’re wearin’ everything to fit snug, and they’re walking the walk. And you’re like, Man, look at you go! Where did you get that? She might be a larger package, but boy, she sure understands how she’s wrapped.

I think it is kind of nice for Matthew to make the comments. It means that even Hollywood heart throb caliber of guys don't all expect women to be model thin, and even if you aren't model thin, it isn't a crime to wear something you think looks good on you. It gives you hope. Even if I don't look like a model, I can still wow a guy. Wow. Considering that "regular" normal guys drool after the supermodel, plastic surgery laden women that we could never be, unless we liked botox, silicone breasts, lipsuction, it is nice to know guys who actually are in shape, attractive, and successful can find us "regular girls" attractive. Can I not express my disdain at overweight, balding men demanding that the women they date be in shape and attractive, when they look like a man getting ready for a Comic Con convention. Nothing wrong with Comic Con, but your "Thundercats" shirt doesn't really woo the ladies too often. I am just saying.

One criticism of black women is that we are over confident. That we might dress in a way that we shouldn't due to us not having the "right body type". I think many of us do this because in reality, if we don't do it, who will, the people that usually are doted on and deemed attractive typically don't look like us, and when they do find them attractive, they usually only look like some of us, some of us who look like we might have white ancestry somewhere back in the family line.

Even us regular girls know or have a friend who might be "plus sized" (which to some could be anything over a size six), but she can steady look cute, rock stilettos with the best of them, and can always pull a man. I like that about black women, some of us do try to put our best foot forward, even if we aren't the "ideal".

Of course Matthew could be on of those guys who just likes black women. We all know he has a history of liking those of a darker hue, which is a miracle considering he comes from the Piney woods of east Texas. Where was he when I was in that neck of the woods.Probably in high school or college where as I was in elementary school.

Your thoughts? Do you think these comments could be a double edge sword? Some sites had other opinions, very valid, very understandable.


Do Friends Influence Your Taste?

I was over at the blog Beautiful Black Woman-Thoughts of a White B'woy, and he had an entry about his taste and how some people tell him his he has horrible taste in women. He prefers black women, but the gamut of black women is vast, at least on his site. He has some that are model thin, others who are "thick", others who are light skinned, some dark skinned, some with relaxed hair, others with naturals or locs. He basically just likes black women.

Now I know that friends can influence each other. I know I have adapted sayings that my friends tell me, or started liking certain types of music that I wouldn't otherwise have been interested in if I weren't around the people who exposed me to them. Do you think that your taste in what you find attractive can also be influenced by friends? If you are a black girl who is attracted to white guys, and your friends start saying negative things about white men, would you be inclined to keep your preference on the down low, or pretend you preference doesn't even exist and deny it? Same for white guys, I know guys are pretty much into the physical and looks are probably more important to a man than a woman in most instances, but if you friends pretty much weren't into black women, and didn't think they were attractive, but yet you yourself were attracted to them, would you share your preference with them, or keep it a secret? Or deny it? I know many a white guy who have told me they are attracted to black women, but would be a bit apprehensive about dating one, just because it is a new taboo. It seems some men have to "work their way up" to black women. They are scared of what friends and family would think, or know what they would think and don't want to deal with the hassle.

Would you deny who you are attracted to, because you know how your friends would react?

PS: I found on the blog, the link to a dating site targeted to black women. Men Love Black Women aka menlovebw.com. I guess it might be worth checking out, I can't check it out due to husband reasons, and that would look suspect, so don't yell at me, if it ends up being a dud. Just thought I would pass on the information.

Youtube Fascinates Me

For all interested, he is "Still looking for a leather gloved man who like choke/strangle me."

If this isn't better than public access, I don't know what is.


I Guess I Need To Pack My Bags

I love my state, but if Texas secedes from the Union, I am going to have to leave for America or Canada. I haven't decided. Gun wielding, bigoted, right wing nut jobs running a country are not my cup of tea.

“We’ve got a great union. There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we’re a pretty independent lot to boot.”

He has lost his damn mind. Ain't no one trying to let Texas become it's own country except the crazy folks.

Perry fires up anti-tax crowd


By KELLEY SHANNON / Associated Press

Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax "tea party" Wednesday with his stance against the federal government and for states' rights as some in his U.S. flag-waving audience shouted, "Secede!"

An animated Perry told the crowd at Austin City Hall — one of three tea parties he was attending across the state — that officials in Washington have abandoned the country's founding principles of limited government. He said the federal government is strangling Americans with taxation, spending and debt.

Perry repeated his running theme that Texas' economy is in relatively good shape compared with other states and with the "federal budget mess." Many in the crowd held signs deriding President Barack Obama and the $786 billion federal economic stimulus package.

Perry called his supporters patriots. Later, answering news reporters' questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.

"There's a lot of different scenarios," Perry said. "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we're a pretty independent lot to boot."

He said when Texas entered the union in 1845 it was with the understanding it could pull out. However, according to the Texas State Library and Archives Commission, Texas negotiated the power to divide into four additional states at some point if it wanted to but not the right to secede.

Texas did secede in 1861, but the North's victory in the Civil War put an end to that.

Perry is running for re-election against U.S. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, a fellow Republican. His anti-Washington remarks have become more strident the past few weeks as that 2010 race gets going and since Perry rejected $550 million in federal economic stimulus money slated to help Texas' unemployment trust fund.

Perry said the stimulus money would come with strings attached that would leave Texas paying the bill once the federal money ran out.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, also Republicans, have been outspoken against the federal economic stimulus spending and were supportive of tea parties in their states. The protests were being held throughout the country on federal income tax deadline day to imitate the original Boston Tea Party of American revolutionary times.

In an appearance at the Texas Capitol last week, Perry joined state lawmakers in pushing a resolution that supports states' rights protected in the 10th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. He said the federal government has become oppressive in its size and interference with states.

Since then, Perry has been featured on the online Drudge Report, and other conservative commentators and citizens have latched on to his words.

After praising veterans in the cheering crowd Wednesday, he said: "I'm just not real sure you're a bunch of right-wing extremists. But if you are, we're with you."

Perry said he believes he could be at the center of a national movement that is coordinated and focused in its opposition to the actions of the federal government.

"It's a very organic thing," he said. "It is a very powerful moment, I think, in American history."

For her part, Hutchison issued a newspaper opinion piece Wednesday criticizing the Democratic-led Congress for spending on the stimulus bill and the $1 trillion appropriations bill.

"On April 15 — Tax Day — some in Congress may need a reminder of just who is underwriting this spending: the American taxpayer. I am deeply concerned over the swelling tax burden that will be imposed on all Texas families," she wrote.

The crowd at the Austin tea party appeared to be decidedly anti-Democrat. Many of the speakers were Republicans and Libertarians.

One placard said, "Stop Obama's Socialism." Another read, "Some Pirates Are in America," and it showed photographs of Obama, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid wearing pirate hats.

Rebecca Knowlton, 45, of Smithville, said she took the day off of home-schooling her three children and brought them to the rally to teach them about civic duty. Knowlton, a critic of the Social Security system and the United Nations, said she felt camaraderie at the demonstration.

"The movement is growing stronger," she said. "You're not alone."


What Is Wrong With Folks On Youtube?

This is the voice of Tony48219 from youtube. He is one of the youtubers I often mention. He is or I should say was part of the black women hating black man crew that is very vocal on youtube. The man is obviously insane. Proof of this insanity:

Now when someone in my chat box (I can't give names, they were anon) said someone on youtube killed a woman and then killed himself, I didn't think much of it. I then saw who it was, and I was in awe. I had seen his videos before, in particular his views of black women and atheism, and I knew he was crazy, but I hadn't looked at any of his videos in a while because it wasn't a niche I was really all that interested in, as we obviously had opposing views. I remember in one video, in which he determined that it is ok to sometimes smack around a woman. He wasn't joking, he was serious, I knew then something was wrong.

My concern is this, these two people on youtube shared a class at their college, but they weren't dating or known to be friends, so why did he choose to kill her of all people? Apparently he was interested in her, but it didn't seem like she or him were particularly close. What makes me even angrier is some of this man's fellow cohorts on youtube talking about she wasn't worth killing and calling her a cute "Ghetto Chick". Why was the girl ghetto? Simply because she was black? Why is her life worthless?


I've Seen It All

Dancer In The Dark was an awesome movie, especially for a musical :)

V Dub holding it down on the engineering tip yall. Poor Peter Stormare

At least he got to play Lucifer in Constantine? Is it me, or does Tilda Swinton get to be a man in just about every role she does?


Does Steve Harvey Share The Sentiments of Most Men?

OK, so I am confused. When did Steve Harvey from "Kings of Comedy" and the "Steve Harvey Show" become a relationship expert? From what I understand he is on wife number three. People who marry repeatedly shouldn't give marriage advice. I understand getting married once or twice, but we really need to reevaluate ourselves when we approach wedding number three. I am just saying.

I received an interesting email about Steve Harvey ripping off this idea from a woman who wrote a book with the same title and concept of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". Her name is Sharon P. Carson. You can go to her website here. Just FYI, she wrote a book with the same title and concept back in 2004.

Aside from the alleged plagiarism, I was looking at a few quotes from the book. One that struck me as particularly odd was this one (from the Steve Harvey version, not the Sharon P. Carson version):

"If you’ve got your own money, your own car, your own house, a Brinks alarm system, a pistol and a guard dog and your practically shouting from the roof that you don’t need a man to provide for you or protect you, then we will see no need to keep coming around."

This struck me as odd, but not surprising. I had heard it before, primarily on youtube from black men who spend their days dissecting with a vengeance what is wrong with all black women, while pretending black men are devoid of any blame as to why black relationships are in a perceived "crisis". They all get mad when it is brought up that black women tend to on average seek out higher education more and fare pretty well in the corporate world. It is like an educated black woman with a decent job is off limits, that she is damaged goods because she has the audacity to see herself as an equal to a man of any race. Of course I dismiss this thought process, as it generally comes from black women hating black men on youtube, which I know don't make up the majority of black men, thankfully.

Maybe I am being sensitive, but I see the quote as telling women to accept mediocrity so a man can feel better about himself. That is how I interpreted the quote, fair or not fair.

If a woman manages to become successful and financially independent, that says she doesn't need a man? Seriously? When a man becomes successful, does he then decide to swear off women? Why is it the appearance of success, make it appear that a woman does not need a man? Just because in one aspect of a woman's life she is successful, it doesn't mean that she feels she is lacking in other parts or has needs in other parts. So is a successful woman devoid of emotional and physical needs because she bought her own house and car? Why is it men who have this are not seen as potential turn offs to women? Do men need to feel needed in ALL aspects of a woman's life in order to feel the need to "stick around"?

*****Off Topic******

Thank all of you guys for your support in the past week or so. I really appreciate it. I have received some wonderful, encouraging emails, and I apologize profusely for not responding, but I promise I will eventually respond. It has been a difficult time, and I am not quite where I need to be yet in that aspect. I just really again want to say thank you guys.


My Lesson In Being The "Strong Black Woman"

Recently I talked about being black women being expected to hide their emotions. Some people felt we shouldn't show our emotions because it shows our vulnerability and it gives more people ammunition to ridicule black women.

On April 1st, something awful happened. I lost my baby at 20 weeks gestation. Five months. My baby was a girl, just like I had suspected. Just like I wanted. I went into preterm labor and had to go to the emergency room. My husband was there with me. I tried to stay positive, because like always I could feel her kick, and when they went to look for the heartbeat, they heard it, it was the same strong heartbeat my baby always had at prenatal visits. I had hope, because I fully didn't realize what had happened to me at that point. When I was told the news, I still held out hope at the small chance, she could make it. I felt her kicking, giving my body the usual internal beat down. I had to keep hope. I was scared, but I had to think my baby was going to make it. She was the textbook pregnancy baby. She was 20 weeks, at that point, the idea of miscarriage is just about out the window. At about four in the morning, I delivered her, crying as I pushed her out, not because it hurt, but because I knew that pushing her out means I no longer have my baby girl.

When the white nurse told me the bad news, I cried, I literally wailed. I laid on the hospital bed and cried, I didn't give a damn who heard me or saw me. I didn't care about that white nurse seeing me cry. I cried again when I delivered in front of the hispanic male doctor and the white anesthesiologist. I cried in front of the three different nurse techs who took my vitals every hour on the hour, the egyptian one and two white ones. I cried in front of three other white female nurses. I cried when my husband's best friend's wife called, the white woman I have just mentioned recently. I cried to my mom, and I know my poor husband has seen my cry more in this last few days than in the last ten years.

Hell I cry when I wake up in the middle of the night, I cry in the morning, I cry when I go to sleep. Hell, I crying right now. That has been the routine the last three days.

I say all this to say, that I am hurt, I am hurting really bad, not physically, but mentally. I say all this to say that I am more vulnerable now, than I have probably ever been in my life, and I know I gotta live up to the stereotype. I am supposed to be strong. I am supposed to be the example set for other black women, and I am not supposed to shame or embarrass black women everywhere by crying and showing my emotions.

Right now, I don't give a damn, I don't care. I don't care about other black women, I don't care about white, hispanic, asian, multiracial men or women. If the world uses me as ammunition, I just don't care. When I am not sad, I am angry, when I am not angry, I am numb, and when I am not any of those things I am either asleep, or taking my medicine my doctor prescribed to "calm my nerves". There is nothing I can do at this point to hold back the tears, to keep me from crying to keep the hurt from happening, and if people happen to see it, so what, I don't care. Right now my concern is getting over the hurt, anger, and frustration. I want it all to go away, and right now, it just ain't happening.

My baby is gone. All I have left of her now is the footprints they allowed me to have, the patient ID bracelets they put on her, and the options to see the pictures they took of her after I delivered her. That is all I know right now, and there is little I can do to control how I feel or how I express myself. I am not reserved, but raw and exposed, and maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I don't know how else to be right now.