Should I Be Offended at the Yak or the Woman Twisting Her Neck?

Because we are talking about weave and wig(NSFW):


One Good Thing About Fox: Shepard Smith, the only thing "Fair and Balanced" on Fox


Dear Siditty: The Advice Column

At times, I get emails from people asking me for advice. Sometimes even though these people ask for advice, I think they already know what they want to do and want some affirmation for what they are doing. I don't always agree with what is said, but I really want to share this story so that I can get some feedback from others. I will list the facts and you can tell me how would you respond to the situation.

A college educated black woman is married to a college educated black men she loves. They are in their mid 20s, no children.

Her ex boyfriend (white guy) has been contacting her via email and she has been writing back. They dated on and off in middle and high school.

They broke up because his family opposed the relationship due to race, and he cheated on her with another woman, who he is now married to.

They (woman and ex) haven't seen each other since they were 16 years old.

The woman has discussed the issue with her husband, and has asked if she can meet the ex, the husband has said no. She has been truthful about her feelings for her ex with him.

The ex does want to meet up, but only when his family is away.

She feels her marriage is more of a friendship than relationship. I am not sure why. She is contemplating divorce and would prefer to be friends instead of husband and wife.

Her question is should she keep her ex in her life and should she be with her husband? I've given her an answer. I want you give her one. I will discuss my answer later.

I mention race, because race was mentioned in the email, but personally I feel race is irrelevant in this matter.

I also want to note I asked the person who sent the email if I could post this so that she could see what others are thinking.


Dealing With Family

Often times, it used to irk me when an older white man would approach me in my single days, wanting to relive the relationship with the black woman he missed out on in his younger days for fear of his family and how they would react.

I also get emails in which black women will ask for my advice about dating a white guy whose family objects to the relationship, threatening to disown the man or harm the woman in question in the relationship.

My response to this in the past and remains to be, too bad, so sad, but if you were too chicken or too scared of your family, then maybe you aren't ready for a serious relationship, maybe you should stick to one night stands. Risk is something people regardless of race have to deal with in a relationship. You risk a lot to stick with one person the rest of your life. That is part of being in a relationship.

I had a former co-worker who had a similar situation. She dated her boyfriend for literally a decade and had never met his father, and her boyfriend had never told his own father that his girlfriend was black. He was scared how he would react since he had sympathies with the KKK. Get the hell over it. If your daddy in a whole different state has that much power over you, and you are in your 40s, you have other issues and need to avoid dating anyone until your issues are resolved. This man was had been with a woman, moved the woman and her children into his home, but she was still a dirty little secret. I'm not good at keeping secrets, daddy would have known about me. If you have a job, a house, and can pay your own bills, why are you worried about getting written out of the will? If you are a productive member of society and don't live off of them, why the hell does it concern anyone who you date?

One unique challenge to an interracial relationship is that there is a chance your family might not be happy. Often times folks assume that it is the white folks who will get the hassles from their family, this isn't always the case, but it really doesn't matter. If you are prepared to be in a relationship with someone, then you are willing to take the risk your family might not like it, and it does no good for you to keep a "dirty little secret". It also does no good for an old man to recapture his youth by trying to find him a young black woman to replace her, because that black woman you missed out on has aged just like you, and maybe she is still single and you should go for her and leave the young women alone, unless they like divorced men their father's age and like the concept of having step children the same age as them.


Racial Profiling Or Uppity Negro?

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. is a Harvard Professor. He is well known for his PBS specials has has done over the years. I posted about one of them a while back. Dr. Gates was arrested in his own home after a trip from China. Someone called the police on him, as it appeared he was breaking into his home. He is saying the door was jammed, and he had to wedge his shoulder into the door to open it. The police came to the door and demanded Gates come outside. According to the officer, Gates yelled at him, refused to show his ID, and pulled the race card. According to Gates he didn't yell, he did show his ID, but did ask for the badge number and name of the officer, but was refused.

The response to the story I read was very disheartening for me. It seems every person sided with the officer, saying Gates had a "big head", and was throwing around the race card.

My question is this, if Gates was irate and uncooperative, did that mean he needed to be arrested? He was in his own home, he is back from a trip, and he has an officer questioning him. I know that to me, having experienced officers questioning where I live because I might appear not to be a resident of the neighborhood, I might also be insulted that I can't even go to my own house without someone questioning my right to be there.

Is he really an uppity negro, or a man upset? How come anytime something like this happens, many white people are quick to assume fault with the black person, calling them stuck up, or "big headed" or "uppity". Had this happened to a white Harvard Professor, would those terms be applied? Also with the conflicting stories, it seems that most people overwhelming jumped to defense of the police officer, and used his account to give their "uppity negro" argument more credibility, without once thinking that the officer in question might not be telling the whole entire truth. Would they do that if Dr. Gates were white?


Pat Buchanan-This Is A Country Built By White People

Pat Buchanan's reaction to Sonia Sotomayor is proof with Affirmative Action is needed, and Rachel Maddow is my girl crush. He said that at Princeton everyone graduates Cum Laude, so Sotomayor's grades don't matter. Sotomayor is considered the most experienced Supreme Court nominee in the last ONE HUNDRED YEARS, but to Pat she is just an unqualified Latina who rose up in her career on her race alone. Her education doesn't matter, her experience doesn't matter, all that matters to Pat is her skin color.

Pat also says the Republican party needs to quit pandering to hispanics and focus on the white vote. I guess as long as whites are the majority, minorities need not be included in the Republican party, and they don't count. We also need to protect the working class whites from "reverse discrimination" because I guess other working class minorities are at an advantage in his mind. Or the only working class is white people, and hispanics and blacks are poor, welfare folks. Whites also built this country all by themselves. Blacks had no role, asians had no role, and hispanics had no role in this country, therefore giving whites the right to exclude other races as they are more entitled to everything they receive based upon whiteness alone.

His racism astounds me, and what scares me is most white people think like him. He plays on white fears very well.


Michael Steele-I'll Bring The Fried Chicken and Potato Salad

Was he being racist, is this being blown out of proportion?

I hate to side with bruh man, but I don't think he was trying to be offensive, he was trying to reach out by being familial. As a southern black woman, if I hear my great aunt say come on over, I got fried chicken and potato salad, it isn't her being racist, it is her welcoming you to her home. Not to mention it sounds like in the background before the comment is made, someone says "I'll bring the collard greens!", and he responded. I think Michael was trying that "we are family" approach. He is probably the only person in the Republican party who is doing this, but I don't think what he said was offensive.


I Thank BET

OK before you jump down my throat. I think BET is a hot mess. Apparently they knew they were a Hot Ghetto Mess, but then they realized to acknowledge this was wrong. I see the prevalent buffoonery, and yes I hang my head in shame, as white people actually watch this channel and think this is what most black people like to watch. 106 and Park, BET Uncut, Keyshia Cole's reality show, and Frankie & Neffe. All types of negro shame abounds on BET now, but let's go back in time.

Back to a time when the stupidity was always present, but less minstrel like than what we have now. BET was where I saw "black" music videos; videos MTV refused to play. Teen Summit, which I actually watched. I felt it addressed important topics, and was actually enjoyable to watch. BET Tonight with Tavis Smiley was a great news show. It kept me abreast of the current issues of the day. Did they keep these shows, no, it would have been too much like right, and it would have fell out of line with the stupidity that is BET. Even though these shows are gone, we still have them in our memories and they helped keep BET on the air. What keeps BET on the air now, I don't know. Maybe the reruns of Martin? Oh no, that's TV One. I don't know what the hell keeps BET on the air, but let's give thanks to the few positive aspects of BET of yesteryear, and mourn for what BET could have been; if not for all the shucking and jiving.

Why I Love Jay Smooth-Michael Jackson

This video was groundbreaking and very big budget for the time. Imagine that it took MTV two years to decide to play this, because the Jacksons were a black singing group. MTV isn't as cutting edge as it made itself out to be.


Friday Night Party

White Liberalism Has Boundaries

I went over to TPM to the reader's blog section and found a story discussing the Valley Swim Club Incident in Philly. The writer was discussing why white liberals feel so guilty. On another story, a writer posted, asking for more information on the president of the club, John Duesler,because the writer felt he could have possibly been railroaded, as he was an Obama supporter, and apparently in that person's mind, there was no way he could have made the comments he made or be associated with an organization that would exclude black children from their swimming pool.

As I read the first story, I understood what the writer was saying. It made sense to me that sometimes white liberals talk the talk, but don't walk the walk when it comes to race, racism, and race relations. They encourage diversity, but move to suburbs to avoid minorities and put their children in all white schools. They talk about voting for Obama as proof of not being racist, even though they harbor racist feelings.It isn't all white liberals, but it happens.

The comments in response to this story were telling. They actually defended Duesler, saying he was being railroaded by the media, and looking at his background as a Obama supporter and peace activist, he must be non racist. That we should give Duesler the benefit of the doubt, that maybe we haven't heard the whole story, it goes back to my belief that most white people think racism is blatant KKK cross burning, and everything else is up in the air. Some provided links in which the Club issued statements that the decision to keep the kids out of the pool had nothing to do with race as proof enough that the club's actions weren't racist. That racism was in the "eye of the beholder", and that we shouldn't rush to judgement. Another one took the statement off the club website was proof of not being racist, because the club described itself as "multi-ethnic and diverse", showing no proof of how many non white members the club actually has. So far there has been one minority, a hispanic teenager stand up for the club. Before the statement was placed on the website, the pictures showing members of the club, did not reflect diversity. If there was diversity at that club, it was hidden.

Again white liberalism has shown that it is all for diversity and showing compassion, but only to a certain extent. If you tow the party line, you can be defended, even if you are defending those who aren't necessarily practicing what they preach.

Planned Parenthood?

I for a short while was working at a place, where there was a 19 year old girl working there in a full time capacity. This was a non profit type of place and I know for sure she wasn't making jack, and the place didn't offer benefits. Things as it were, made it seem she was trying to do some good with her life. Then enter a conversation I had with her about her boyfriend. Her boyfriend wanted a child. They had been together on and off since high school, and I looked at her and asked her did she want a child, as I told her point blank at 19, I wasn't ready to birth babies. I was off in the club and going to live shows, and being a harlot at all hours of the night. Not to mention I was broke as a joke in college. I then said more power to you, if you can afford to take care of yourself, you guys want to get married, and you got your own place, I guess now is a good as time as any to have a baby. Then she told me, they weren't engaged, and she lived with her mother.

In my mind if you live with momma and daddy, don't have a ring on your finger, and you and the boyfriend are on and off, you don't need a baby, but in hindsight being 20/20, it dawned on me, in her world that is normal. Her older cousin also worked there. She was 40, unmarried with a 21 year old son. She was a grandmother, as her son had a child. Her son was also single. The concept of marriage or waiting until you are older to have a child isn't something encouraged in her family. The 40 year old woman didn't make much either, she had a car, but she was living from place to place and was basically staying with her ex boyfriend because he would take in her and her son rent free. Why her 21 year old son was living with her, I am not sure. No one was making much money. No one went to school beyond high school. This is the "norm" in her life. In my life, not so much. My mother told me she didn't feel like raising grandchildren, she was very clear that I should be financially stable and married to have a child. My father was very much the same. I think he would have been excited if I became a lesbian, I think my college years were stressful on him.

Now I found this story. Apparently a lot of single, college educated, career successful black women in their 30s are looking to adopt children. Per the story, these women haven't found Mr. Right, but they still want kids. I understand that. There are tons of black children in the foster care system that need homes, and if there are people willing to adopt these children, I say wonderful, but now we have to address the issue of single mother's adopting kids. Now more black children are being raised by single mothers, which on the whole we have condemned and blamed for one of the biggest issues of the black community.

So should black women, regardless of background, financially stability, education, or age be raising or encouraging the raising of children without fathers? I will say that, I found the story of 30 something black woman adopting a positive thing, but the concept of a 19 year old trying to have a baby appalling.


Who The Hell Left The Gate Open?

OK am I the only thinking this man is related to Flava Flav? Are you looking at the dance moves? Listening to his voice? Listening to his lyrics? I just want to know if anyone else is aware this man has no talent? Why is his mother the same age as him? I also want to know where did he find that 1983 Chevy truck in the motorcycle chase scene of the one video, and what does that have to do with being in a clique?

I am awaiting the Namata/Lil Wayne tour in 2010.

At least he isn't her:

Thanks Thembi for exposing me to Namata


Finns and Swedes have “pure genes…pure society,” but Americans marry “other species”

Thank you Brian Kilmeade, for telling us what is on your mind. I guess Americans (read white people) marry "other species" (read non white people) messing up all their genes. Leave it to Fox to set back race relations 50 years.

Maybe This Is Why Black Folks Don't Learn To Swim?

"There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion ... and the atmosphere of the club"

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.

In post racial America we are again taught how truly equal everyone is. The The Creative Steps Day Camp paid the Valley Club for access to it's pool. They went to access this pool, only being told to leave because the membership to the club does not allow black people per the camp. The manager of the club said the quote above. Apparently they were worried about the "complexion" of the campers changing the atmosphere of the club.

Also note, this was not in the south, as there is a stereotype that we in the south are somehow more racist than our northern counterparts, but this was in Philadelphia. It doesn't matter where you live in this country, racism it seems cannot be avoided.


Creole Culture and Racial Identification

For those who are not aware, I am Creole via my mother's side of the family. Creole has different meanings depending upon who you talk to. Some people identify Creole as being folks of mixed race, primarily French, Spanish, African, and Native American. It can also be black folks who were slaves in the region and adapted the culture and language.You can also be white and Creole. More than likely we were just slaves who picked up the culture, but the family tree is tricky. It could explain the recessive genes. My mother's family is from Louisiana and East Texas. We come primarily two parishes in Louisiana, and Creoles are found often in East Texas, some who primarily speak Creole, with English as a second language. I can barely speak a word of Creole, as to most it is considered a dying language. It is basically pidgin French.

With all that being said, there has been a resurgence in interest in Creole culture. There has also been a push for those of Creole descent to no longer be considered black, but rather be known as people of mixed race. Now you know the history of high yellow or mixed race folks in the black community. The Creole culture is no different. It was quite common that preference was made for those of a higher yellow persuasion by both whites and blacks. Being lighter skinned or less "ethnic" looking was considered more acceptable. If you were going to be cursed with being black, it was better to be light skinned than dark skinned according to whites. They were offered better jobs than their darker hued counterparts, and they themselves were very fond of the paper bag test.

My mother's family is fragmented, and only in the last decade or two have reunited. Part of this is due to a marriage in which my great grandmother chose someone too dark and too black. Yeah she was basically shunned by her family for marrying a dark skinned black man, my great grandfather. Yes she identified strongly as black, but she didn't necessarily look "black". She was fair skinned with dark fairly straight hair and green eyes. My other great grandmother on my mother's side was also considered creole, but she wasn't shunned for marrying black, as he was black Creole, I guess that made it ok; she was just what I called my white great grandmother, meaning she was black in terms of one drop, but in reality, she probably wasn't very black at all. Probably more of an octoroon, from what I can gather, we aren't very good with birth records in my family. She was fair skinned, with blue eyes, and black hair, no hint of color at all. She is the reason whenever someone with a mixed race child tells me their kids doesn't look black, I look at them crazy. Most mixed race children look black to me, at least those mixed with black and white. I am good at telling when people "pass". Wentworth Miller looked black to me from the get go, but many folks claim they can't tell. I was recently tricked about Martin Gore of Depeche Mode, I had no idea he was mixed, he didn't either until he was 40.

In Louisiana miscegenation laws outlawed marriage between races, but no cohabitation like other states, and many times those who did manage to get married lied about their race to get married, even white folks passed themselves off as black. So in reality, many Creoles don't really know their true racial mixture as a lot of passing for white or black occurred. When Jim Crow came, Creoles became black, many of them lived in small enclaves and were isolated anyway, so it wasn't a big deal, they were already segregated from both whites and non creole blacks. Not to mention all us blacks with slave ancestry have some mixed blood.

With that being said, I don't define myself as a Creole of Color. I call myself black. It is because my family calls themselves black. White folks aren't looking at Creole folks and coming up with derogatory words for Creole, they stick with the n-word. I don't understand the need to separate themselves from African Americans. If black people are mixed and Creoles are mixed, why must Creoles be separate from blacks aside from culture? Genetically we could very well all be the same. I consider the majority of my Native American ancestry to come from my father's side of the family, not my mother's. I can trace that much easier than I can the ancestry of my mother's family. I can see some of the French, but I also know there are huge holes in how folks identify on that side, partially due to Jim Crow.

I would love to have a resurgence of the education and language of Creole culture, it is dying and it needs to be preserved, I know my pidgin French is horrible, but I don't think we need to be separated from other cultures, primarily a culture that Creoles have been assimilated into, primarily black. Ray Nagin aka Mr. Chocolate City is a Creole, but obviously he identifies himself as "Chocolate" aka black. Can we not be both, if we come in all races and shades like many Creoles claim, why instead only identify as a "person of color" vs. "black"?


Even A Notable Black Woman Can't Get Media Attention

Cynthia McKinney is a former Congresswoman. She is also a former Presidential Nominee for the United States of America. As of today, Ms. McKinney is in an Israeli prison. Apparently McKinney and 20 other people were on a humanitarian aide trip to Gaza. Per Israel, the boat was in Israeli waters and trying to enter Gaza illegally, per the folks on the boat, they were in international waters.

A former member of Congress is sitting in jail,why isn't this making headlines? I found this story at Daily Kos, not ABC, CBS, the New York Times, or CNN. When you do a search on the news websites, it is there, but as an afterthought. It seems this story isn't newsworthy. Where is the outrage? Why has mainstream media not covered this? She has been in jail since Tuesday. Are we proving once again America doesn't care about black women, in particular a black Congresswoman? Or is this the continuing need for America to stand by Israel, no matter how right or wrong they may be?


I'm A Racist

Sometimes I receive comments on certain posts in which I am called a racist and told I hate White people, or Asian people, or some other race. I won't say I hate anyone due to race, but I am racist.

I admit when I hear White people make gross accusations about affirmative action, I assume them to be the White people who feel they are entitled, and always think for every black person in college, there is some White person who deserved it so much more, regardless of IQ, SAT scores, GPA, and whatever else that black person has.

I sometimes think white people have a belief they are entitled to opportunities in life, and that blacks who are "allowed" these opportunities are inferior.

I think asians and other races of folks look down upon black people in general.

I think many other races of people (Asian, Indian, Hispanic, etc.) aspire to be white and fit into mainstream society.

I think many Asian women suffer from what some Black men suffer from, which is "anything white will do" syndrome.

I think that Hispanics, in particular Mexican folks are some of the most racist people around.

I think that most White people are racist, but they can't accept or acknowledge that fact because it would be seen as negative in this day and age to be so.

I think that for White people when it comes down to certain things, race plays a bigger factor more than they care to admit, consciously or subconsciously.

I think that white women assume they are automatically more attractive than other races of women.

I think white people are way more aware of race than they let on.

Are these sweeping generalizations fair? No, they're not, and I know this. I am painfully aware that these cannot be proven to be absolutely true.

It's often said that black people can't be racist because we don't have the power to be so. I understand the general point of this belief, I really do. Typically speaking, my racist views aren't going to be obstacles to financial opportunities, education, or success to other races of people. If a white person holds racist views, I can understand that they are at more of an advantage deny me things, because right now in America, white people hold way more positions of power than other races of people.

I guess it could be said I am prejudiced. I know it isn't right be to prejudiced, or racist, but the truth is most people are, whether they admit it or not. I admit my prejudices. I think if most people did, race relations would be much better in America. I think that if people admit their prejudices, they can actually resolve their prejudices.

Many times these racist or prejudiced beliefs come from experience, at least that is where a lot of mine come from. When I start to think about these things, and how I feel, I often have to take a step back. I honestly don't know enough Asian people to make the determination that all Asian women love White men. I know that even if there are some white women who feel their whiteness is a positive attribute to their attractiveness, I know there are many who don't think that way. Even if some of my most negative experiences with race have come from Hispanic people, I can't deny that at one time my best friend was Hispanic, my husband's best friend is, and that not all Hispanics hate or dislike black people, and that Hispanics come in all races.

I can admit I have a problem, and that is my first step to remedying the situation. If I am aware of my prejudice I can work on it, but if I deny it, that means I don't want to change. Are people capable of changing?