How To Get A White Man

It has come to my attention recently that white men are hard to get. They are coveted, loved, and admired so much they want nothing to do with black women. Well I say that's malarkey. Yes, they are a completely different species, being white and all, but yes, you, you too, can get a white man, and I will show you how. Look at all those men I posted, they could all be yours, in particular the man in the mugshot. Sexy.

As we know getting a white man means that you have arrived in the world. The concept of getting a man of any race is hard enough for us down trodden black women, but a white man is the pinnacle of black women achievement. Forget education, a career, a fulfilling life of friends and family, your ultimate goal is a white man.

Here are some tips for those who want to achieve the pinnacle of black women's success. Some of this is really hard, so I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but it's possible.

1. Try not to look like hot ass out in public, or if you are on a dating site, put up a good picture of yourself. If you are out on the prowl for a white man, a pair of sweat pants is not going to cut it. You need to dress it up. Put on your jeans that accent your black woman ass, make sure you comb your hair, take care of personal hygiene like brushing your teeth and bathing. Deodorant is a bonus. For those using online dating sites, avoid taking pictures that accent your double chins, don't put up the pic from Cancun where you are drunk out of your mind. Try also to ensure your eyes aren't closed or that you don't have the evil red eye.

2. If a white man has the audacity to approach black little old you, actually talk to him if you're interested,which you should be since he is white and all, ask him questions about himself, engage him in conversation. If you think things are going well, ask him for his phone number. For some you can just offer up sex right then and there. The white man will appreciate that. He really will. I hear the white men love sluts.

3. Let's say you don't offer up sex and obtain a phone number. Wait for this, this is going to be crazy, but call him. If he answers great and seems interested in talking great, if not move on. Maybe that white man isn't ready for all that jelly you have to offer him, but hey at least you tried.

4. OK Let's say the white guy shows interests in your pathetic black self and you end up being asked out on a date. Go on the date. Dress nice (dress according to the location of the date), throw on a little make up. If he wants to do something outdoorsy and you're not an outdoor person, just try it out and see. I know us black women all worry about our hair and humidity, but that is what wigs and weaves are for. If it is restaurant full of food you've never tried, try it, I mean it can't hurt, and when trying the food, make sure you don't have a look of disgust on your face because it isn't some fettucini alfredo from Olive Garden. If you end up liking it great, if you don't remind yourself to never go back there. The point of the date isn't the food, but rather a chance to get to know your date.

5. OK now, let's determine you guys like each other and that coveted white man asks you out again. Go again, continue to get to know him better. I know this sounds crazy, but it really works.

6. Let's say this white man is really liking you, despite the fact that you're black and wants to move to the next level, a steady relationship. Go for it!!!! Keep going out, spending time together. Also try to keep up appearances, don't let yourself go because you got the man, buy some cutesy underwear and limit grandma panties to that time of the month. Continue to work out. Continue to act like you like him and not treat him like crap.

7. Let's say it gets really serious and you move in together. Continue to treat him with respect. I know this is crazy, but guys like to be respected, even if they don't put down the toilet seat, they want people to love and respect them. Maybe cook them a meal, clean up the house, or maybe just maybe take him out to dinner.

8. Overlook all the flaws of your white man. OK he's been to prison. He might have an anger issue. He might treat you like crap and have five kids with five different women. He might weigh 500 pounds. He might be ashamed to bring you around his family. So what? We're not all perfect you know. Sometimes he takes you to Wendy's for a frosty and that should be enough for you. Don't be picky. The most important thing is that he be white.

9. Make sure as soon as you secure a white man to get knocked up by him. Getting pregnant by white guys almost always equals marriage, at the very minimum child support, because you know all white men have jobs and money. They are rich and they all went to college and make six figure incomes. It's true because I watch television and all the white people live really good lives, even if they are delivery drivers they have the nice car, the nice house, and their wives can afford to stay at home and raise the kids.

10. If you haven't figured out by now, I'm half joking and being very sarcastic. Some of these things might work, some of them might not, you figure it out.