The Ups and Downs Of Being Pregnant
As you all know, I am pregnant. I've been pregnant it seems for 15 years, and yes I'm still pregnant. I love the concept of having a child and being pregnant, but I also have a lot of fears and concerns.
It sounds selfish, but it's the truth.
Let's talk about the down side:
Pregnancy is not really fun for me. It scares the hell out of me, and I'm not a normal pregnant lady. It takes surgery, bed rest, a perinatologist, an OB/GYN, a home health nurse, weekly p17 shots in my butt, and a little bit of hospitalization to keep me pregnant. Needless to say, I'm going through some stuff. I'm tired of laying down, and I feel like an old lady. I'm in constant fear, because let's face it, I don't have much luck with pregnancy.
A downside of my pregnancy is, and I'm going to be blunt, I'm not getting any. Nada, nothing. I like to think my husband and I are in a platonic, room mate like relationship, where he does everything for me, and we at times get to cuddle. I don't think he wants to cuddle, but he does it anyway. I didn't want to be celibate, but I didn't have much of a choice. A benefit of marriage is nookie, and I'm not getting any. It sucks.
The belly thing takes some getting used to. Being on bed rest, I avoid mirrors the majority of the day, but on the occasion that I pass one, I really start freaking out. I plan to go on a diet as soon as this baby comes out. The sad thing is I have gained virtually no weight this pregnancy.
There is no dignity in pregnancy. More men now have probably seen my private parts than all the men I've ever dated have combined. I've been felt up, poked, prodded, and it is weird. I was a bit uncomfortable with my OB/GYN feeling my boobs up in my husband's presence. He was checking for lumps, but it's still something you don't expect to happen. I'm thinking maybe I should vajazzle, so that when labor comes, the nurses and doctors will have something interesting to look at.
My boobs have gotten bigger. For some women this is a great thing, but I was already "blessed" in that area. Now it's just ridiculous.
I've come to the realization my boobs will no longer be pretty. It's something I'm coming to terms with, but I am choosing breast feeding over perkiness. I can get them "fixed" with aid of a plastic surgeon later, right?
I've come to the realization my boobs are not sexual objects, but rather a milk machine for a baby. Udders if you will. I'm basically going to be a human cow. It's weird, will guys still ogle them if they are known to be udders rather than breasts? Maybe that's a good thing.
I'm making peace with the fact I'm going to be a mom. No happy hour whenever. Travel will be a bit more difficult, and I can't just come and go as I please, I've got other things to consider now, such as a baby's feeding and changing schedule, and nap times. I just hope I don't become that mom that obsesses over anything and everything baby.
What if my friends think I'm "that mom"? I don't think I could take it. What if I lose every other aspect of my personality because I became a mom?
I know marriage means for the most part you're stuck with your husband forever, but now, I'm really stuck forever. Even if I can't stand him, we get divorced, and all things go to hell in our relationship, I have to see this man the rest of my life because we are tied together by a baby. Pregnancy makes things feel even more permanent.
If I ever were to become single, I'd be a single mom, dating would be hard, and dammit, what if I "come home" to the brothas? Would they date me tainted with "tha man"? This doesn't really matter and isn't relevant as I'm not getting divorced, and more than likely looking at my previous dating history, the brothas don't want me anyway, but still I have to look at all the possibilities. I'm on bed rest, I have lots of time to think about stuff.
I'm hormonal, which makes me extra angry, more than I normally am.
Now the positives of being pregnant:
The whole, "I made a human aspect" is amazing. It is cool to know that me and the hubby made a baby.
When your big beer belly stomach moves as the human you made kicks and punches you it is neat to watch, even if it hurts sometimes.
The experience of pregnancy has bought me and the husband closer together. Even if we aren't getting any.
My husband still thinks I'm pretty even though I have a beer belly and can't shave my legs properly. He actually smiles when he looks at my belly, versus freak out. It's nice.
It's completely insane and cool at the same time to be in love with someone you've never met. The first time I heard her heartbeat was probably a moment I won't ever forget. I can't. I record every single visit, so it's well documented.
OK baby shopping is fun. It really is.
So is coming up with baby names.
It's fun to imagine what she will look like. I imagine she will be supermodel gorgeous. I'm just saying she has really good genes :)
People encourage you to eat. No one says anything if you want ice cream for breakfast.
It's cool that when people do see your big beer belly, they realize you are pregnant, and don't make fun of you or talk behind your back about it.
Because you're pregnant, people treat you extra nice. They want to help take care of you. There's also mommy parking at certain places. You can't beat that.
Realizing that I won't have to lay down forever and that I am doing this suffering for a good cause, and I will have good guilt trip material when the kid becomes a teenager.